I was right! I was right all along! Batman V. Superman was going to suck! So far ALL the critics who saw it said it sucked, AND it had a 29% rating on Rotten Tomatoes! I still haven't seen it yet, but I wasn't planning on it. But now that this movie sucks and will most likely kill DC's Shared cinematic universe if Suicide Squad and Wonder Woman doesn't shape up, let's honor tradition once again by taking a look at the other versions of Batman V. Superman that were most likely better than the movie. It's porn parodies, of course!
Remember back in June, when I discussed Batman V. Superman: An XXX Parody? A Porn Parody that came out a good 10 months before the actual damn movie it's based on was supposed to be released. (I'm no porn expert, but when you make a porn parody, shouldn't you release it around the same time as when the movie you're parodying should be released?) Remember that "hot" mess? Well now there's another one floating around, this time ACTUALLY being released the same time as the Cinematic version. but before you straight bros get your hopes and boners up, you should probably know that this parody isn't for you, it's for your cousins, the Gays! That's right, Batman and Superman are goin' gay for Batman V Superman: A Gay xxx Parody!
Remember back in June, when I discussed Batman V. Superman: An XXX Parody? A Porn Parody that came out a good 10 months before the actual damn movie it's based on was supposed to be released. (I'm no porn expert, but when you make a porn parody, shouldn't you release it around the same time as when the movie you're parodying should be released?) Remember that "hot" mess? Well now there's another one floating around, this time ACTUALLY being released the same time as the Cinematic version. but before you straight bros get your hopes and boners up, you should probably know that this parody isn't for you, it's for your cousins, the Gays! That's right, Batman and Superman are goin' gay for Batman V Superman: A Gay xxx Parody!
Personally, I feel that this poster is better than the straight version. Very simple, very on-point, and no lady who looks like she could be in an episode of Botched. But one thing I noticed was that for a parody called Batman V. Superman, I don't see a lot of V. going on, especially if you look carefully at the bottom of the poster, where you can see that Batman and Superman are obviously groping each others' nuts. and the smirk on Batman's face shows that he doesn't want to fight the last son of Krypton, but intends on doing "other" things with the last son of Krypton. I can already here Batman saying "Tell me, do you cum?" Oh, my god, that needs to be in this. It's too funny not to be.
Like last time, I want to do a costume review, but being a gay porn parody, it has less to work with, since there are no cool looking superheroines in this, because as we know, women in Gay porn are practically useless. but that doesn't mean they can't show up in non-sex roles. There can be a scene where Superman is giving Supergirl a fierce makeover, or Batman telling Wonder Woman what make-up best compliments her skin tone for the Fall season. Also, there are a lot of cool male DC Characters that would fit perfectly in a Gay porn parody, like Nightwing, Batman's former Robin who now parades around in a tight, skimpy costume that shows of his colossal twerk booty. Or how about Lobo, a giant muscly alien bounty hunter who wears skin tight leather and chains, or Darkseid, an alien overlord/Lady Gaga drag queen impersonator. Just take a look at this comic panel showing Superman and Darkseid fighting and tell me it won't translate into gay porn very well, because if you do, you're lying.
Anyways, onto the costume reviews, Now, the only two Comic book characters that's gonna be in this is Batman and Superman, which is a vast contrast to the straight version, which tried to shoehorn in as much Comic Book characters as they could. Now, I couldn't find a single image of the guys suited up, but what I did find were two very vulgar and very photoshopped comic strips featuring Superman sticking his "Kryptonite" inside a rescued pedestrian, and Batman getting his "Batcave" stuffed after fighting some criminals. Now, these comics were too hot to handle, so I had to modify them so that their naughty bits don't show.
Superman: Played by Topher DiMaggio
Batman: Played by Trenton Ducati
Oh. My. God. Wow, seeing Batman get Butt-fucked really brings me joy, with me being a die-hard Superman fan and all. Now, I personally think this costume is better than the straight version, and even though it's obviously a The Dark Knight Halloween costume bought from Ebay, it's still much nicer to look at, and not as crappy or chunky as the straight porn version's.
So what are my thought on this? Well, I wanted to criticize this as harshly as I did with the straight version, but if I did, I'd probably be labled as a Homophobe, so...It's good. Free love! Superhero gay pride! Whatever. But this doesn't change the way I feel about Batman V. Superman in general. I knew it was gonna suck from the very beginning, being a product of the rotting seeds known as Man of Steel, But even though I haven't seen it myself, the hate it's getting from so many fans are reassuring enough.
Anyways, onto the costume reviews, Now, the only two Comic book characters that's gonna be in this is Batman and Superman, which is a vast contrast to the straight version, which tried to shoehorn in as much Comic Book characters as they could. Now, I couldn't find a single image of the guys suited up, but what I did find were two very vulgar and very photoshopped comic strips featuring Superman sticking his "Kryptonite" inside a rescued pedestrian, and Batman getting his "Batcave" stuffed after fighting some criminals. Now, these comics were too hot to handle, so I had to modify them so that their naughty bits don't show.
Superman: Played by Topher DiMaggio
Oh, mama! Talk about a Man of Steel! to be honest, I think I like the straight porn version of Superman better than this. I mean, even though it was porn, that guy really looked like Superman. This guy looks like Superman too, in a weird, Lois and Clark type of way, but the guy in the straight version is definitely the superior one. Why didn't they just cast him? He's done gay porn before (I'll spare you the detail on how I found that out) But if I had to credit one thing, it's that the shield is actually an S this time, and not some confusing X.
Batman: Played by Trenton Ducati
Oh. My. God. Wow, seeing Batman get Butt-fucked really brings me joy, with me being a die-hard Superman fan and all. Now, I personally think this costume is better than the straight version, and even though it's obviously a The Dark Knight Halloween costume bought from Ebay, it's still much nicer to look at, and not as crappy or chunky as the straight porn version's.
So what are my thought on this? Well, I wanted to criticize this as harshly as I did with the straight version, but if I did, I'd probably be labled as a Homophobe, so...It's good. Free love! Superhero gay pride! Whatever. But this doesn't change the way I feel about Batman V. Superman in general. I knew it was gonna suck from the very beginning, being a product of the rotting seeds known as Man of Steel, But even though I haven't seen it myself, the hate it's getting from so many fans are reassuring enough.
