Disney has hit a goldmine with their live action versions of Alice in Wonderland, Cinderella, Jungle book, and It's new retelling of Sleeping Beauty's baddie Maleficent, and with Beauty and the Beast coming out real soon, It's time to ponder on a question these live action Disney movies. Is Disney creating it's own shared universe among it's live action films similarly to what it created for the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Beauty and the Beast isn't the last live action revival we're going to be seeing soon. Next year, we're going to get Mulan, and Disney has already greenlit live action versions of Dumbo, Snow White, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Pinocchio, Winnie The Pooh, Peter Pan & it's Tinkerbell spinoff, The Sword in the Stone, A Cruella De Vil origin story, and The Lion King, with James Earl Jones reprising his role as Mufasa. With so many live action Disney movies coming out, you can't help but wonder if they all exist in the same live action universe. But what does it all mean, though? Are these characters ever going to meet each other? Will we see Cinderella cameo in Beauty and the Beast. Geographically speaking, both stories do take place in France. And what about The Lion King? Are Baloo and Bagheera going to show up at Simba's birth? Wouldn't it be cool to see Maleficent hash it out with the live action Evil Queen to see who's the fiercest Fairy Tale mistress of darkness? I envision these characters will probably meet each other at some point in the future, but probably in a small scale. Think Rapunzel and Eugene at the beginning of Frozen. As much as we'd love to see live action Disney Princesses interacting with one another, the chances of one big Avengers-esque team up seems very unlikely. But since Disney has already created so many live action renditions of it's classic stories, they might as well have fun with it.
Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds were just two of many celebrity deaths that occurred in 2016, and the third and fourth celebrities to die in the past five days, along with Ricky Harris and of course, George Michael, who died on Christmas. At first, I was in disbelief, lust like how I first reacted when I found out Robin Williams had died. My princess Leia was no more, and Debbie was singin' on top of the rain now. Get it? Because she's in Heaven? I was sad, but in the course of five seconds later, my sadness turned into anger. It was all this stupid year's fault! It already claimed a lot, and I mean a LOT of beloved icons this year. 2016 sucked. And it wasn't just the celebrity deaths part that sucked, most of 2016 was a bust, with that stupid election, the most horrible people taking control of the government, gay people getting shot up by a crazy terrorist, lots of stupid movies clogged the silver screen like how shit would clog a toilet pipe, black people getting shot here and there by policemen, and of course, there's the matter of Mr. Trump, who I'l get back to at the end of this post. 2016 is an awful year. Right behind 9/11 and the year the holocaust began, we can now put 2016 right behind. And why, you might ask, was this year so horrible? Well, let uncle Al explain it all to you.
Good things that happened in 2016...
As much as I despise this year, there are many admirable things that happened in it. The handful of good movies we got were really, really good. Disney won big this year with Moana and Zootopia. Deadpool and it's star Ryan Reynolds are nominated for Golden Globes, Captain America 3 and Rogue One proved that Disney can do no wrong with it's acquired material, and we're finally seeing more diversity in the big screen. Over at TV world, Westworld, which I only accidentally got into thanks to my sister, blew my fucking mind by how amazing it was. Adam Ruins Everything is easily one of my favorite TV shows, Scream Queens keeps entertaining the hell out of me, and Supergirl finally pulled it's shit together by moving to the CW and throwing away all that mess from season one, and actually showing us Superman. In other uplifting news, Ebola was eradicated in parts of Africa, The tiger population is finally rising, The Rio Olympics was NOT an utter failure, and amazing young athletes like Simone Biles, Katie Ledecky and my Bae Steele Johnson made their country proud. Cubs won the world series, And Leo FINALLY got that Oscar. But other than that, this year has been utter shit.
Bradgelina is no more.
I found out brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorced through Star Magazine, and at first, I didn't believe it. Who would. That magazine, and all the other tabloid magazines just like it, ALWAYS say that Brad and Angelina are getting divorced. But this time, they were actually telling the truth. What. The. Fuck? Bradgelina was the staple of all #relationshipgoals, and now they're broken up? This is awful news...unless you're Jennifer Aniston or Chelsea Handler.
The Movies Sucked.
Aside from a handful of gems, all of 2016's movies was the dirt those gems were buried in. I finally saw Batman V. Superman because it was on TV and I didn't have to pay for it, and it was shit. Suicide Squad? Utter shit. Ghostbusters was okay, but to both the true fans that grew up with it, and that fat losers who lives in their mother's basement that troll the internet, it was a pretty bad movie. Arrival was practically designed in a lab to be the perfect movie, but is completely forgettable compared to greater movies, and don't get me started on Suicide Squad, a movie who's title reflects on how you want to kill yourself after you've sat through this mess. What else sucked? The Video Game movies. The Angry Birds movie? Shit. Warcraft? Shit. Assassin's Creed? Shit. Alice through the looking glass is the crowning achievement of failure for Disney AND Tim Burton, who took a dump on a classic story by making it something it wasn't. Is there anything else I can list? Well, There's not much, but TMNT 2, Legend of Tarzan, Zoolander 2, The Huntsman, Ice Age 5, The Purge election Year, Independence Day 2, 31, The Neon Demon, Cabin Fever and so much more.
That Stupid election.
In the beginning, people thought it was going to be Hillary versus Jeb, a quiet, civilized election where voters acted like people with manners, and Hillary and Jeb presented why they would be great candidates as President. Either way, America could have been fine with these two, But Nope. The election literally threw a bunch of cartoon characters at us, starting off with a kooky old man Who's plans to take from the rich is essentially impossible, a cuban-canadian evangelical nutshell that looked like the Elephant from Inside Out, A Brain surgeon who left his Brain in the Hospital, and that billionaire asshole that's the bad guy in every movie. Jeb and Hillary were still in it, but Jeb was snuffed out faster that an orange asshole lion with tiny paws and a crazy mane catches it's prey, and everyone, Democrat and Republicans alike, spent the entire span of the election demonizing Hillary Clinton, instead of focusing on all the good she's done.
Brex-shit
I don't feel like explaining this one, so here you go.
Who needs Human Decency? Hate is so in this season. It's the new "Jeggings"
When Trump became president, Hate crimes have risen to it's all time high since 9/11. People are vandalizing properties with hateful propaganda. They're sending hateful messages to blacks, muslims, LGBT people, etc. And those same racists and bigots think that they own the country again. Guess what? They don't. They just made themselves easier to identify. And that's coming from a year that was already pretty hateful, with it's whitewashing and Police Brutality and refusal of refugees.
2016: Year of Death
2016 is perhaps the highest year for celebrity deaths compared to previous years. Hell, 2016 started off with the death of David Bowie. And it only got worse with the death of Prince. And on my birthday weekend in June, we got the back-to-back murder of Christina Grimmie and the pulse night club shootings, that killed roughly 50 people, both of which happened in the same city. And recently, we got the death of George Michael(Who died on Christmas), Carrie Fisher and her mother, Debbie Reynolds, one of the last great actresses of old Hollywood. 2016 also included the death of, but not limited to, Nancy Reagan, Anton Yelchin, Alan Rickman, Miss Cleo, Gene Wilder, Antonin Scalia, Muhammad Ali, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Harper Lee and Florence Henderson.
TRUMP and his Basket of Deplorables
Everyone knows that Donald Trump is awful, and will make a terrible President. He hates Muslims and wants to waste taxpayer dollars on building a border wall, because let's face it, Mexico will NEVER pay for that stupid shit. But at this point, It's not Trump I'm worried about. It's the people backing him. For his VP, he has Mike Pence, a scary homophobe who allowed gay discrimination in his state of Indiana, and will probably try to do the same for the rest of the country. And then there's the matter of his cabinet picks, which is chock full of bigots and deplorables. Tell me Trump, if you're such an ally to gays, then why are your cabinet picks mostly anti-gay? And now that Trump is President, crazy conservative fanatics who likes forcing their beliefs down people's throats will have the upper hand against progressive, open-minded people. You know that vision of a brighter future where Cars fly, cancer is curable, Hover-boards exist and people living in Mars? You can forget that! Now the future consists of bible thumpers, factories polluting the air, and millions of poor Americans whose jobs were all outsourced to china. So congratulations, Trump. You've made America great again...for the billionaires, racists and nutty zealots who thinks that everything is a sin.
Remember back when I practically begged for this movie to be good? What happened to our deal, Paramount? The first trailer for Rings is not very good, and here's why. Before we get started, let me just say that I fucking love The Ring. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. It used to scare me as a kid and continues to intrigue me as an adult. Now let us begin. First of all, the original tone of the movie is completely gone. You remember how in The Ring, where the color of the movie had this blueish tint that really helped make the atmosphere really dreary and depressing?
Well, for Rings, it's now gone! Another thing I liked about the original is that it's not just a flick full of jump scares like most horror movies. It built up to it's scares, so that way, it's more suspenseful as you keep watching. But for Rings, I guess they're just going for the basic horror scare cliches. So far, I'm not loving what I'm seeing, It's leaning towards more of the generic "Teens get themselves into deep shit" horror movies, like Ouija and The Gallows, which I pray to god isn't how the actual movie turns out. If Rings needs to follow another movie's example, it should follow Lights Out, a fresh, original and scary movie that is very reminiscent of the original movie. But who knows what the actual movie holds. Maybe the trailer just doesn't do it justice and the full movie is actually very good. I've seen good movies get fucked over by awful trailers before. And to be fair, there are some good things about the trailer. Like the scene where Samara attacks an entire airplane full of people just to get the one passenger who watched her tape. And the scene where that goth girl tries to break her TV so that Samara can't get her. But only time will tell if it's really worth it.
I'm back, Y'all! It's been a while. Anyways, I've made my opinions on the DC cinematic universe(It sucks) But then I saw Suicide Squad, and my thoughts on it? It's bad. really bad. Like, wow, this is a low point for DC movies. But oddly enough, I found myself really enjoying it. This movie takes good "Bad" movies to a whole new level.
So this movie takes place after Batman V. Superman. A movie I still haven't seen. #ProudOfMyself. So this movie alludes a lot to things that happen in Batman V. Superman, which sort of confuses me, because again, I haven't seen Batman V. Superman. Anyways, Annalise from How To Get away with Murder is now the head of a government defense something, and her second in command is the idiot boyfriend from Lola Versus, don't ask me how I know that, I just know. Idiot Boyfriend is dating an archaeologist called Dr. I'm a model trying desperately to get into acting, who is possessed by a witch known as the enchantress. Seriously? that's the best title they can come up with? They might as well just call her "Evil Witch Meanie". So Evil Witch Meanie wants to take over the world, and if this was the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Nick Fury would walk out of a shadowy corner and gather good, heroic people to stop the arriving evil. But this is a DC movie, and therefore devoid of all common sense and intellect. Instead, Aibileen gathers the most dangerous, psychotic criminals to fight Evil Witch Meanie. You know, because if Satan ever comes out of a volcanic crack to destroy the earth, we should send Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama Bin Laden, Brock Turner and Elizabeth Bathory to stop him. So the team is comprised of Deadshot AKA Exactly what you'd expect Will Smith to play in an action movie, Killer Croc AKA I look more realistic than anything from Jurassic World, El Diablo, AKA if Firestarter was a Mexican cholo stereotype instead of a young Drew Barreymore, Captain Boomerang AKA What The Fuck, Slipknot AKA it's obvious I'm gonna be the first to die and Harley Quinn AKA Everyone else might as well quit because she's the only thing that really shines in this movie! They battle with Evil Witch Meanie in exchange for shorter prison sentences, while being watched over by Idiot Boyfriend and Katana AKA what a Japanese greeting card would look like if it was a person. Now rather than a regular movie review, I'm gonna pinpoint the movie's strengths and weaknesses and what it could've improved on, because I already feel bad for the movie based on the mean spirited reviews it got.
GOOD: HARLEY QUINN
Harley Quinn is this movie's saving grace. In this messy cluster fuck of a movie, Harley just shines. When I first saw set photos of Harley in costume, I was skeptical. Her look is just awful. It's so boring and so predictable. It feels like the costume designer just got really lazy and sent Margot Robbie to Hot Topic. I would've preferred her Arkham City look, or even her original Jester suit. What was wrong with that? Heck, she even wears it for a bit in a sequence where her and Joker are dancing in a black background, and she finds it again while digging through a box of her old stuff when the Squad is getting ready. But despite her unfortunate wardrobe choice, this version of Harley Quinn is one of the best. Margot Robbie's performance is just unbelievable. When you see her in the movie, you're not gonna see an actress playing Harley Quinn, you're gonna see FRIGGIN Harley Quinn. She's funny, sympathetic and a total Badass. And what I like about this Harley is that she's not just Joker's unappreciated doormat of a girlfriend , like most other incarnations are. In other versions, Joker does something to hurt Harley's feelings, she cries for a bit, he does something that's barely nice for her, she forgives him, and the cycle starts all over again. Hey, I don't care if you're a psychotic clown who killed a teenaged boy and raped and crippled a police chief's daughter, you don't treat you're lady friend like that. And luckily, in this version, Joker genuinely cares for Harley. Isn't that sweet? But we'll get more into Joker Later. I also like the fact that Harley does get some solid moments that aren't just action sequences or funny one liners. The best scene in the movie is when the Squad are sitting in a bar, feeling defeated, and Harley is making them all drinks. El Diablo tells them the story of how he accidentally killed his family one night when his powers got out of control, and everyone is speechless, especially Harley, and instead of being sympathetic and feeling sorry for El Diablo, she snaps at him, because having a family is her biggest dream, and he burned his down to the ground(literally) and the fact that when Joker supposedly dies, Harley is sad over this, butshe doesn't fall apart like she does in the Arkham games. She shows that she's sad for her loss, but she quickly puts on her big girl face and rejoins the squad.
BAD: EVERYONE ELSE
This movie is full of characters, and unfortunately, none of them really shine as brightly as Harley or Joker does. There's so many characters and storylines, that it's sometimes hard to keep track of. Maybe if you're a comic book fan, you'd know who all the other randos are, but if you only know superheroes from movies and TV, like I do, You might get really confused. Aside from Harley, Deadshot and El Diablo comes the closest to being kind of memorable, because of their detailed backstories, but aren't really that great either. Then you have Rick Flag(Idiot Boyfriend) Slipknot, Katana and Killer Croc, who the movie probably should've left out. I mean, Slipknot dies early in the movie, Katana comes out of nowhere with this crazy bananas backstory I just don't understand, you could've replaced Croc with any other scary looking monster and the movie would still be the same, and Rick Flag is just so, very, very, very unlikable. He's hot, but unlikable. Then you have Amanda Waller, who is a mixed bag. On one hand, she's played flawlessly by the great viola Davis, but on the other, every decision this character makes in the movie is either wrong, or REALLY wrong. This movie probably would've been better if it's only squad members were Harley, Deadshot and El Diablo, and if they had a competent leader.
GOOD/BAD: THE JOKER
The good news is that Jared Leto is surprisingly a good Joker. I know there's a lot of people who aren't okay with "Lejoker" and I can't really blame them, but I thought Jared Leto was good. It was no Heath Ledger, but Leto's Joker was Definitely something differen in a good way. The bad news? He's barely in the fucking MOVIE! Joker was one of the major selling points of the movie, but feels more like an afterthought. It's like when they were halfway through the production of this movie, they suddenly remembered that Harley Quinn is Joker's girlfriend and decided to put him in the movie because MONEY! So Joker gets sidelined, while the "Wicked Witch of the Nobody Gives a Shit" gets to be this movie's big bad. That's like if in Sleeping Beauty, it turned out that Maleficent wasn't the bad guy, and that it was actually a nameless villager you don't care about. You DON'T do that to a great villain! If they really wanted the Joker to be in this movie. I would've liked it better if instead of going after Evil Witch Meanie, the Squad was sent to go after Joker and his army, which would be interesting for Harley, seeing how Joker is her "Puddin"
BAD: EVIL WITCH MEANIE
Wow. Talk about a let down villain. Not since Sharon Stone from Catwoman have I seen such a weak antagonist. I give props to Cara Delevigne for making Evil Witch Meanie look creepy, but let's face it, she always looks creepy. Heck, I don't think she was even trying to look creepy, I think that's just her resting face. I feel like the creators of the movie we're like, "Okay, what's a female villain that's popular now? Charlize Theron from Snow White & The Hunstman? Okay, we'll rip her off, and her voice too. And what's a really creepy female villain? That Ghost Girl from The Grudge? Great! We'll rip her off, too" and let me remind you again, The Joker got sidelined so that she could be the villain of this.
GOOD: THE ACTION SEQUENCES
The strength of this movie is when the Squad is kicking ass, and thankfully, that's a good chunk of the movie. The scenes with Joker(Or little there of) are really fun to watch. The scene where Harley is fighting one of those rock candy eye people in an elevator is really fun to watch. Or that ending battle where Evil Witch Meanie starts attacking the Squad.
BAD: IT'S SOOO CONFUSING
So I have some Questions for this movie? Harley is clearly insane (She has voices in her head) So why is she in a prison? Shouldn't she be in Arkham Asylum? You know, that place where you put crazy people in? And when Evil Witch Meanie was destroying an entire city, where was Wonder Woman, Batman & The Flash in this? Wonder Woman clearly has magical powers too, so why didn't she just go after Evil Witch Meanie? And where the hell did Katana come from? She just jumps into that plane full of characters I already have to remember, and we're just supposed to accept that? The problem with ensemble cast movies is that you have to remember ALL of the characters for the first time. The reason I really love The Avengers is that the characters in it were already established in earlier movies, so you don't have to remember anyone. Because you already know who they are and what they've been through. And why is the security for this world so terrible at their job? Joker just breaks in and out of places, and all the security guards ever do is get killed by Joker's goons. And let's not forget that scene where El Diablo randomly turns into a giant fire skeleton monster? Is that ever explained?
Well, those were my thoughts on Suicide Squad. I thought it had A LOT of problems, but overall, it was really enjoyable. It might have just convinced me to go finally see Batman V. Superman...NOT!!!!
So, Rule 34 states that if something exists, There's porn of it somewhere. And by something, I mean everything! There's even porn Porn parodies are everywhere these days! Some of them are shit yourself hilarious, and others are cringe worthy and probably shouldn't exist. Now, I admit, I watch porn, but I'm not gonna parade it around like it's something to be proud of. It's porn, you get off on it, and when you're done, you clear your search history and go about with the rest of your day. I don't know the industry, and I don't want to know the industry. I only watch it from a one-sided mirror. But once in a while, a porn parody comes out that's either so jaw dropping or infuriating, that I have to talk about it. I previously touched upon two Batman V. Superman parodies, Straight and Gay. The straight one was a Clusterfuck(No pun intended) of characters that weren't even in Batman V. Superman and released it WAY before the actual movie, while the gay one kept it simple, and released it the same time as the real Batman V. Superman. I guess the Gay one was such a success, that they're making another gay XXX Superhero parody. The XXX-Men! I guess this has something to do with X-Men: Apocalypse coming out soon, but I think this goes deeper than that, because X-Men director Bryan Singer is more gay than he is straight, and just the idea of the X-Men in general is a big metaphor for being gay and persecuted. But...Damn. This takes that ideology to a whole new level.
This poster is actually pretty decent. Straight version, whenever you're coming out, you have a lot to compete with. But what really takes the cake is Wolverine. we'll get to him in a little while. Now, I don't see Professor X or Nightcrawler in the poster, and I'm kind of sad that the bad-ass ladies of X-men (Rogue, Storm, Shadowcat) aren't in this, but it's a gay porno, so I guess I can't say much about it. Now let's get into the stars of this movie, and how they look on the first impression.
PYRO: PLAYED BY PAUL CANON
Really? Nightcrawler, Gambit and Deadpool got cut so that Pyro, an X-Men character no one cares about, can be in this? Really? I mean, Deadpool is practically serving himself on a silver platter for you to use, and you go with Pyro? Okay, so how does he look in this? Eh. Nothing special. It's just a guy with fire photoshopped onto his hands. I don't really care about Pyro in general, so this one's passable.
COLLOSUS: PLAYED BY LANDON MYCLES
Wow. Way to use the shit out of that silver airbrushing tool on Photoshop. I know porns don't really have a budget, so how are they gonna make this work on screen without looking fake and clunky?
ICEMAN: PLAYED BY MIKE DE MARCO
Quick! Catch that fairy before it flies away! Is this guy seriously supposed to be Iceman? Oh, and I should also mention that Iceman in the X-Men comics officially came out as gay, so anything that happens to him in this, will now be possible in the official canon! Yay! #lovewins!
CYCLOPS: PLAYED BY BRENNER BOLTON
Of all the costumes I've seen, this is the second least worse. There's only one in here that I think is legit. But for now, let's take a look at the okay-ish Cyclops. One thing I notice a lot in porn is that in parodies, the lady characters are usually dressed like sluts, while the male characters are dressed like how they're supposed to look. They could've taken the liberty of addressing that by giving Cyclops booty shorts and leather boots. At least then he would've stood out.
MAGNETO: PLAYED BY PADDY O' BRIAN
This is the least worse of the costumes I considered bad. There's only one good one, and I'm saving him for last. This costume is okay, I guess.
WOLVERINE: PLAYED BY COLBY KELLER
Wow. Now that it some grade A effort. They really nailed the casting of Wolverine here. Again, Straight version, you have A LOT to compete with! I mean,look at this guy! This isn't an actor portraying Wolverine in a gay porn, this is FUCKING Wolverine starring in a gay porn. If Hugh Jackman gets hit by a bus, or if they decide to reboot the X-men, they should probably cast this guy.
So, one of my most anticipated movies of 2016 is Rings, the third installment in The Ring franchise. I'm really excited, but I hope I don't get excited over nothing. I mean, it's RARE to have a horror movie in a franchise be as good or better than the original. The Ring Two had an bigger budget than the first movie, but was really, really sucky, because it forgot the creepy atmosphere and mood of the original The Ring (That, and it also had really crappy special effects.) But for goodness sake, I hope Rings will be the rare exception where a horror installment doesn't suck.
There isn't a trailer from the movie yet, but it's slated to premiere in theaters during Halloween time. But even though I haven't seen a trailer for it yet, I'm already hearing a lot of info from the movie, both good AND bad, which really concerns me. The movie is being directed by F. Javier Guitirrez, a pretty unknown director. This can either be good, or bad, but only time can tell what happens. Another thing that worries me is the plot of the movie.
Julia is a high school student whose college boyfriend, Holt, has grown distant. Fearing they’re drifting apart, she travels to see him and finds out that he’s part of a club of college students who pass Samara's tape between each other. Julia discovers Holt watched the cursed tape six and a half days ago, meaning that by the end of the day, he would die. The curse is what brought them back together, but it’s also what threatens to kill them
Wow. What a weak story. It's obvious they're aiming for that teenaged crap that horror movies went for with Ouija and The Gallows, so here's my advice. DON'T FOLLOW THOSE MOVIES! Both those movies SUCKED. Sure, they made lots of money, but wouldn't it be better for a movie to make money AND be good? I mean, don't get me wrong. Movies centering around young people aren't always bad. Just as long as they don't feel forced in. Unfriended, for example, is a horror movie starring teens, and it's really good. I thought it was gonna be as bad as Ouija, but took me by surprise. And let's not forget that classic horror franchises like Scream and Halloween all have teenaged main characters.
The final demand I have for Rings is simply this. Be Scary. People go to horror movies to be scared, and if you don't scare the audience, then what does that make you? But most modern horror movies have the same problem. They're not really that scary. They're full of cheap jump scares and play the "false alarm" card A LOT.
But while I had some problems with this, there's also a lot that intrigues me. the trailer for the movie premiered at Wondercon. I haven't seen it myself, but from the description of it, it sounds really creepy, and something very refreshing fro The Ring franchise. From the descriptions I've read, the trailer is about a guy in an airplane who is sitting next to a girl. He tells her the usual. He watched the curse video tape a week ago, and is scheduled to die, so he boarded an airplane in hopes of escaping his fate. Suddenly, he starts bleeding from his nose. The plane loses signal, dark water starts seeping through the doors and windows of the plane. Oxygen masks start dropping down on the panicking passengers. The boy tries to flee, but then the iconic video tape starts playing on all of the TV screens on the plane. Suddenly, the big screen where the airplane safety video usually plays starts playing a video of a desolate well in a forest. You know where this is leading too. Samara emerges out of the well, and comes out of the TV, then the teaser ends. That sounds AWESOME! from the sound of this, Samara will have greater power than she's had before, if she can take out an entire airplane full of people. Another thing that I liked is that if Rings is successful, it will become the next Halloween franchise movie, joining the likes of Saw, Insidious and Paranormal Activity. I just want this movie to be good SO bad! I frickin' love The Ring. It's not only one of my favorite horror movies, it's one of my favorite MOVIES period! I see it in the way most nerds see Back To The Future or Star Wars. So please, F. Javier Gutierrez, Don't fail me! I've been waiting for this movie for a long time, and I already know what it's like to be disappointed by a movie I've been waiting for years to see (Jurassic World)
There are many reasons why I will never visit Japan. One, I find Anime really, really annoying. Two, I don't like crowded places. Three, Raw fish? no thank you. And four, their horror movies are scary as fuck! I remember being six years old and watching The Grudge for the very first time. I was too scared to do anything after seeing that movie. Then I saw Ringu, the Japanese version of that scary ass movie The Ring, and it really messed me up. Both those movies scared the shit out of me as a kid, and now Japan wants to bring those two worlds together? This is no joke, folks. The Ring and The Grudge will be duking it out in Sadako V. Kayako: Dawn Of Nightmares. A new generation of kids will soon have their sleep time robbed from them soon.
2016 is the year of fights. Superman allegedly fought Batman (I haven't seen the movie, and hopefully never will) Captain America is scheduled to fight Iron Man, ushering in the thirty-millionth reboot of Spider Man. Hilary and Bernie are battling it out to be the next president (Let's face it, none of the republican candidates will be president) But the one fight no one ever thought would happen was the fight between the wet TV bitch from The Ring, and that cracky-neck bitch from The Grudge. But it's happening. And here's the first trailer.
FUUUUCK!!!!! So many childhood nightmares are suddenly coming back! But one question I have is how will these two fight? I mean to living people, these two are obviously dangerous, but since both or them are dead, hence the meaning Ghost, how will they fight each other. I mean technically, the Grudge lady is a crippled, as she needs to crawl down the stairs. SO does The Ring girl have an advantage? I don't know. Only time can tell.
You guys we're right, Batman V Superman is pure genius. Never in my life have I ever seen something so, so brilliant. It's nothing short of perfect! The actors we're soo amazing. I think this might be my new favorite movie. Move over, Titanic and Dirty Dancing. This is the new gem in my life...
PSYCH! Just kidding! Hahahaha. April Fools Day! I will become a professional figure skater before I see that movie! Happy April Fools Day, everyone!
I was right! I was right all along! Batman V. Superman was going to suck! So far ALL the critics who saw it said it sucked, AND it had a 29% rating on Rotten Tomatoes! I still haven't seen it yet, but I wasn't planning on it. But now that this movie sucks and will most likely kill DC's Shared cinematic universe if Suicide Squadand Wonder Woman doesn't shape up, let's honor tradition once again by taking a look at the other versions of Batman V. Superman that were most likely better than the movie. It's porn parodies, of course!
Remember back in June, when I discussed Batman V. Superman: An XXX Parody? A Porn Parody that came out a good 10 months before the actual damn movie it's based on was supposed to be released. (I'm no porn expert, but when you make a porn parody, shouldn't you release it around the same time as when the movie you're parodying should be released?) Remember that "hot" mess? Well now there's another one floating around, this time ACTUALLY being released the same time as the Cinematic version. but before you straight bros get your hopes and boners up, you should probably know that this parody isn't for you, it's for your cousins, the Gays! That's right, Batman and Superman are goin' gay for Batman V Superman: A Gay xxx Parody!
Personally, I feel that this poster is better than the straight version. Very simple, very on-point, and no lady who looks like she could be in an episode of Botched. But one thing I noticed was that for a parody called Batman V. Superman, I don't see a lot of V. going on, especially if you look carefully at the bottom of the poster, where you can see that Batman and Superman are obviously groping each others' nuts. and the smirk on Batman's face shows that he doesn't want to fight the last son of Krypton, but intends on doing "other" things with the last son of Krypton. I can already here Batman saying "Tell me, do you cum?" Oh, my god, that needs to be in this. It's too funny not to be.
Like last time, I want to do a costume review, but being a gay porn parody, it has less to work with, since there are no cool looking superheroines in this, because as we know, women in Gay porn are practically useless. but that doesn't mean they can't show up in non-sex roles. There can be a scene where Superman is giving Supergirl a fierce makeover, or Batman telling Wonder Woman what make-up best compliments her skin tone for the Fall season. Also, there are a lot of cool male DC Characters that would fit perfectly in a Gay porn parody, like Nightwing, Batman's former Robin who now parades around in a tight, skimpy costume that shows of his colossal twerk booty. Or how about Lobo, a giant muscly alien bounty hunter who wears skin tight leather and chains, or Darkseid, an alien overlord/Lady Gaga drag queen impersonator. Just take a look at this comic panel showing Superman and Darkseid fighting and tell me it won't translate into gay porn very well, because if you do, you're lying.
Anyways, onto the costume reviews, Now, the only two Comic book characters that's gonna be in this is Batman and Superman, which is a vast contrast to the straight version, which tried to shoehorn in as much Comic Book characters as they could. Now, I couldn't find a single image of the guys suited up, but what I did find were two very vulgar and very photoshopped comic strips featuring Superman sticking his "Kryptonite" inside a rescued pedestrian, and Batman getting his "Batcave" stuffed after fighting some criminals. Now, these comics were too hot to handle, so I had to modify them so that their naughty bits don't show. Superman: Played by Topher DiMaggio
Oh, mama! Talk about a Man of Steel! to be honest, I think I like the straight porn version of Superman better than this. I mean, even though it was porn, that guy really looked like Superman. This guy looks like Superman too, in a weird, Lois and Clark type of way, but the guy in the straight version is definitely the superior one. Why didn't they just cast him? He's done gay porn before (I'll spare you the detail on how I found that out) But if I had to credit one thing, it's that the shield is actually an S this time, and not some confusing X.
Batman: Played by Trenton Ducati
Oh. My. God. Wow, seeing Batman get Butt-fucked really brings me joy, with me being a die-hard Superman fan and all. Now, I personally think this costume is better than the straight version, and even though it's obviously a The Dark Knight Halloween costume bought from Ebay, it's still much nicer to look at, and not as crappy or chunky as the straight porn version's.
So what are my thought on this? Well, I wanted to criticize this as harshly as I did with the straight version, but if I did, I'd probably be labled as a Homophobe, so...It's good. Free love! Superhero gay pride! Whatever. But this doesn't change the way I feel about Batman V. Superman in general. I knew it was gonna suck from the very beginning, being a product of the rotting seeds known as Man of Steel, But even though I haven't seen it myself, the hate it's getting from so many fans are reassuring enough.
Happy New Year's Eve, everyone! Oh, 2015. You're definitely something special. at times you made us sad, then made us glad, and then shocked us again, and again, and again. Though you have your flaws, you did, however, share with us many wonderful stories in the form of movies. Now that we've gotten the radioactive waste of 2015 out of the way, let us take a look at the times this year when the sun shined the brightest. Here are my picks for the top 10 movies of 2015. Before I begin, let me get some things off my chest. No, I've not seen Ant Man, no, I've not seen Mad Max: Fury Road, and no, I have not seen Furious 7. So don't expect those movies on my list.
10. The Peanuts Movie
This movie is by no means a masterpiece. The movie is incredibly boring, but what makes it work is how genuine it is. They could've easily just pulled a Garfield or Smurfs on this one (Celebrity voices, Pop cultural references and humor that'll be dated in five years) but instead, the creators of the movie try their best to make this film as sincere as possible, so that twenty years from now, this movie will still be contemporary (sort of). The parts with Snoopy are always the funniest (his Red Baron fantasy sequences kill me every time they play) And they have actual kids playing the Peanuts, instead of casting celebrities like Kevin Hart or George Lopez. As timeless as it is, however, you can tell some of the humor is very dated. Kids today aren't gonna understand the humor intended for the older Peanuts fans, but it's still pretty solid as a movie.
8. Tomorrowland
This movie is the underrated gem of 2015. I don't know what it is about this movie, but I just can't help liking this movie. The story is about Casey, a young dreamer who wants to change the world. Later, she discovers a pin that shows her a Utopian-like civilization. being the dreamer she is, she stops at nothing to find this mysterious place. I feel like if this if this movie was placed in January, it would've made more money that it did, and therefore, would qualify for a sequel. Too bad that never happened.
7. Unfriended
Less is more, and that couldn't be any more true for this movie, and boy, did it pay off. At first glance, this movie seems like the typical Ouija and The gallows crap, it's actually a very creative film. The whole movie takes place inside a girl's laptop, but the way they incorporate social media to forward the story is pretty damn creative.
6. The Revenant
If Leo doesn't win an Oscar with this, then we know he never will. In The Revenant (Based on true events), Leo brings his A-game as he plays Hugh Glass, an explorer hellbent on revenge against a former ally who killed his son and left him for dead in the wilderness. You know how Matt McConaughey won the Oscar last year for Dallas Buyers Club because he just fully committed to the role by transforming into the character mentally and physically? Leo does the same thing here, but in his own way.
5. Crimson Peak
This movie is beautiful beyond beautiful. Being a Guillermo Del Toro movie, of course it would be visually astonishing. This is your typical old fashioned ghost story. Young bride moves in with her husband only to discover that something is very, very off about the house. She does some snooping around to discover that the house is indeed haunted. It's typical, but the artistic choices they made for the movie are just mesmerizing. It's like Bram Stroker meets Fairy Tales, and speaking of Fairy Tale...
4. Cinderella
Disney's live action fairy tale remakes finally got it right with their newest film Cinderella, the reimagining of their beloved classic. The previous Disney remakes have all ranged from bad to mediocre. Cinderella, however, does something none of these remakes do. Stick to the original, and boy, does it pay off. There had to be some updates, of course, to make sure this film fits into our post-feminist world. Cinderella had to be more active and independent than her original version, They justify why the stepmother is the way she is, and they even explain why she is called Cinderella in a very clever way. Everything else is good too. The visuals, the costumes (Sandy Powell made them, obviously) the sets. It's not all CGI like the other live action Disney movies, they use real sets and locations. Now that Disney has proven their Live Action fairy tales can succeed critically, nothing won't stop them now.
3. Avengers: Age of Ultron
Boy howdy, did they up the ante with this film. The first Avengers movie was already a critically and commercially acclaimed film, so the bar was set pretty high for the sequel, but not only did it surpass the original, it also managed to set an even higher bar for Infinity Wars. All the avengers return, of course, and they also introduce new characters, such as Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, who I'm pretty sure were supposed to be in the X-Men. (And B.T.W, Elizabeth Olson is definitely the talented Olsen) But the real breakout star of the film is Ultron himself. He's Who knew robots were so charismatic. A Mystery Avenger shows up near the end of the film, but I don't really understand why. But all in all, this movie was fantastic.
2. Inside Out
Pixar finally got it's groove back with this movie. After Toy Story 3, they turned out some pretty mediocre films, Except for Cars 2, of course, which sucked. But as Disney Animation was turning out products better than their's, (Tangled, Wreck It Ralph, Frozen) they knew they had to up their game, and Inside Out was born, which is honestly one of the most original film to come out of Pixar in a long time. The story is simple. What does the inside of your head look like? Well, in Inside Out, we see the different emotions of an eleven year old girl named Riley struggling to work together as she moves to San Francisco. The emotions Joy and Sadness accidentally get sucked out of the control panel, and it's up to the other emotions (Fear, Disgust and Anger) to make sure Riley doesn't end up in danger. It's imaginative, heart felt and knows when it's appropriate for a sad scene, unlike that other Pixar film that came out this year.
1. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
2015 was a good year for Disney. They had just jumped off the heels of recent hits, such as Inside out, Avengers and Cinderella, (All of which are numbers 2,3, and 4 on this list) But this was the big one. Disney was given a huge responsibility when they announced that they were creating a seventh Star Wars movie. Fanboys everywhere gave a concerned glance when they found out the company responsible for Disney Princesses was adding to the Star Wars Saga. Disney had already proven itself worthy of creating action flicks, with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and an entire storage of Marvel films, but this was something bigger. Star Wars practically created the Space Opera genre. The original trilogy was so good, that George Lucas, the creator of the Star Wars franchise himself, couldn't even give his own creation a decent follow up. The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith were all universally panned by critics and fans alike. Jar Jar Binks, anybody? Disney had a lot to prove.
I didn't really plan on seeing this movie, since I wasn't really a hardcore Star Wars fan, and the line for opening night was supposed to be long. However, I ended up seeing it, and ironically, on opening night, and my thoughts on it are this...Is it too late to join the Star Wars club? This is how you revive a popular franchise without botching it up, you hear me, Jurassic World? There are many things to like about this film, but the key element that really shine in this film is the presentation of the film itself. It somehow both a reboot and a sequel to the franchise. It's story elements heavily mirror A New Hope enough to be considered a reboot, but it still acknowledges the original, by setting the film thirty years after Return of the Jedi. I also liked the idea of there's another threat (The First Order) who wants to disturb peace in the galaxy once again, showing that nothing really ever ends happily ever after. Life goes on no matter what. The characters are also really fun. Kylo Ren is a great villain. Unlike Darth Maul, who was over hyped but rarely used in The Phantom Menace, Kylo Ren actually helps move the story forward. Rey was probably my favorite character in the whole film, and Finn was okay too. And just like the Cinderella movie, this film uses a lot of real filming locations rather than filming it on a green screen sound stage. They also use a lot of practical effects, rather than Jar-Jaring it up. I can't praise this movie enough.
Well, now that we've wrapped up 2015, let us all look forward to 2016 and the possibilities it may bring. Happy New Year, everybody!
Oh, 2015. What a year you were. You made us Laugh, you made us cry, you made us want to kill ourselves, and you made us do a lot of other stuff. But movie wise, 2015 was a whole lot better than 2014 was. But that's not to say that there weren't any rotten fruits who were ignorantly dumped in the wicker basket that is cinema. So before we dwell into the positive side, let us first get the black gunk of toxic waste out of the way. Here are the worst movies of 2015.
10. The Good Dinosaur
I'm not saying this movie is essentially bad. But compared to the other Pixar movies, this one is one of the weakest. It purely relies on Pixar Tropes (Phoning in a message, relying mostly on crying scenes) It's unoriginal and very predictable. But it's safe to say it's the least worst movie of 2015.
9. Pan
There were two Fairy tale adaptation films that came out in 2015. One of them was actually good...this isn't it. Pan is the lamest, blandest and most uninspired Fairy tale re-imagining I'v ever seen, and I've seen both Jack the Giant Slayer and Red Riding Hood. And also, casting Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily was probably one of the major reasons this movie failed the way it did.
8. Fifty Shades Of Grey
Is this movie the worst thing that ever happened in 2015? No. Is it the most boring? Yes. For a movie that promised a ton of sexy scenes, this movie is mostly compiled of unconvincing romance building, domestic violence and boring contract talk. But it's not the worst thing ever.
7. The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out Of Water
As a Spongebob fan, I can't believe I hated this movie. I've seen the first Spongebob movie, and most of us Spongebob fans loved it. The sequel, however, I can't say the same about. If the original Spongebob movie reflected how good Spongebob Squarepants was then, this movie reflects how bad Spongebob got today. This movie didn't really have a stable story. It's full of pointless celebrity cameos, and the part where Spongebob and pals become CGI when they enter the surface world was very pointless and came out of nowhere, and only exists to remind you that movies like Smurfs and Fat Albert exist.
6. Minions
This movie does not deserve to be #2 highest grossing animated film. It doesn't deserve to be behind Frozen, and does not deserve to be on top of Toy Story 3. Minions are fine as comic relief for the better Despicable Me movies, but give them their own movie, and you get nothing but crap, crap and crap.
5. Entourage
Everyone hates douchy, self entitled white guys, so a movie about douchy, self entitled white guys probably get the same feel. I did not like the show, and I do not like the movie. And that's all I have to say!
4. Pixels
It's bad enough Adam Sandler killed comedy, but now he had to ruin many people's childhoods (Not mine. I didn't grow up with those video games) Pixels is just as bland and stupid as most Adam Sandler movies, except this time, it's trying to pander out to video game nerds. Not even Ashley Benson could save this movie.
3. Jupiter Ascending
This movie is just...Bad. There's no way I could explain it, so I'll let someone else do it.
2. Fantastic 4
The biggest let down of 2015. Fantastic 4 was hyping itself to be something special, but the end product was only a fraction of what it promised to deliver. Not even casting a black actor as a typically white character could save this movie from the big ball of fail that is would become.
1. Jurassic World
Imagine this. The year is 2006. You are currently nine years old, heading onto ten. You've seen all three Jurassic Park movies and loved every one of them, including the ones considered to be bad (Sequels) You're obsessed with them, and day and night, you wait for news of Jurassic Park 4. Of course, it never comes, but as the years go by, you get more info, bit by bit. Fast forward to June 13, 2015. Jurassic World premieres in theaters. You've been waiting ten years for this, and to make things better, it's your 18th birthday. Nothing could possibly go wrong...Until you've actually watched the movie, and then you think to yourself. "I waited ten years for that?" Jurassic World not only offends me because it's a clunky, generic sci-fi action flick with forgettable characters, fake looking CGI Dinosaurs and an overrated Chris Pratt, it also offends me because most of my childhood, I waited for this movie. I supported the cause since 2006, and this is the thanks I get? a boring, over hyped movie with only a handful of decent stuff, and one or three cool dinosaur moments. You're probably thinking "You liked the sequels but hated this?", to those people, I say yes, I liked the sequels, because A, they had realistic looking dinosaurs, and B, I grew up with the sequels, so I love them even if they're considered bad. This movie deserves to be on top of this list.
