Me and Holden Caulfield from the book “Catcher in the Rye”
are sitting in a table for three.
Holden
So, ya gonna order or what?
Me
We can’t order until our third person gets here.
Holden
Scoffs: What a lousy place, this restaurant. It’s full of
phonies.
Me
Why are you talking like a 1950’s greaser?
Person #3 arrives. It’s no other than Shanaynay from Shane
Dawson TV.
Shanaynay
Sorry I’m late, y’all. I got pulled over by the po-po ‘cause
they thought I was hustling crack.
Me
And were you?
Shanaynay
Um…Yes?
Holden
Ugh. What a Phony.
Shanaynay looks at Holden
Shanaynay
I thought we was just havin’ dinner fo’ the two of us, Renz.
You neva said you was going to bring some anorexic bitch.
Holden
I’m a boy.
Shanaynay
You are? ‘cause you kinda look like Lara Flynn Boyle.
Me
All, right everyone! We’re all here. Let’s order.
A waiter comes to the table
Waiter
Welcome. Are you ready to place your orders?
Shanaynay
Oooh! This place is classy as hell. You have outdone
yourself, Renz!
Holden
I don’t like it. It’s too phony.
Shanaynay
No one was talkin’ to you, you depressed lesbian.
Me
Um, I’d like the Garlic Chicken Rosemary. With a coke.
Shanaynay
I’ll have the same thing. Only hold the coke, and give me a
bottle of cobra whiskey.
Me
Cobra whiskey?
Shanaynay
Yeah! It’s like a bottle of regular whiskey, but there’s a
dead snake inside the bottle.
Me
What!?
Shanaynay
I know I was shocked too! But it’s actually really good. One
time, I even took the dead snake out of bottle and ate it.
Holden
Oh, gross. You’re a disgusting, lousy phony.
Shanaynay
Hmm…Had you eva’ eaten yo’ own genitalia?
Holden
No.
(Shanaynay pulls out her knife)
Shanaynay
You will when I’m done with you.
Me
All, right! Everyone calm down! Just give her some whine.
Waiter
All right.
Shanaynay
Phht! Party pooper!
Me
What are you going to order, Holden?
Holden
You know, this reminds me of a funny story, it really does.
Back when I was at Pencey, the school I went to, me and my old roommate,
Stradlater, a real phony, let me tell you, we went to this breakfast buffet
with some girls we had picked up. The place was really classy and stuff, but it
was full of phonies, you know. So I…
Me (to the waiter)
He’ll have the same thing.
Waiter
Very well.
The Waiter walks away. A few minutes later, he brings a tray
of breadsticks
Waiter
Your appetizers.
Shanaynay
Uh, no! You know this ain’t what we ordered! We ordered
Chicken Rosemary, not some smelly ass pieces of bread.
Me
Shanaynay. It’s just the appetizers. The chicken is for later.
Shanaynay
Fo’ real?! Damn! This place really is classy! They be givin’
us some free food. You know what, I take back what I said. I’ll try one of
these smelly ass breads.
Shanaynay eats one breadstick
Shanaynay
Ohhh. Damn! This shit is good!
Holden
You see, Renz? That’s the problem with most people. Their all
phonies. I mean, you and I are pretty real people, you know, but others? Their
phonies. I mean, everyone is either a Phony or a flit. I’m not saying I hate
flits ore anything, but…
Holden continues to talk nonstop.
Me (To Shanaynay)
What is he even talking about?
Shanaynay
I don’t know, but it’s annoyin’ as hell. Want me to shut him the
fuck up?
Me
Eh. Knock yourself out.
Shanaynay pulls out a gun and shoots Holden on the forehead.
He dies instantly.
Waiter
Your Chicken Rosemary are here.
Shanaynay
Yeah! I am hungry as fuck!
Me
Me too.
So, Me and Shanaynay
eat our Chicken Rosemary, and Holden didn’t whine about anything again, because
he was dead.
Who else do you want to see have a fictional dinner with me? Leave a Comment.
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