XXX-Men...What is happening, you guys?

So, Rule 34 states that if something exists, There's porn of it somewhere. And by something, I mean everything! There's even porn Porn parodies are everywhere these days! Some of them are shit yourself hilarious, and others are cringe worthy and probably shouldn't exist. Now, I admit, I watch porn, but I'm not gonna parade it around like it's something to be proud of. It's porn, you get off on it, and when you're done, you clear your search history and go about with the rest of your day. I don't know the industry, and I don't want to know the industry. I only watch it from a one-sided mirror. But once in a while, a porn parody comes out that's either so jaw dropping or infuriating, that I have to talk about it. I previously touched upon two Batman V. Superman parodies, Straight and Gay. The straight one was a Clusterfuck(No pun intended) of characters that weren't even in Batman V. Superman and released it WAY before the actual movie, while the gay one kept it simple, and released it the same time as the real Batman V. Superman. I guess the Gay one was such a success, that they're making another gay XXX Superhero parody. The XXX-Men! I guess this has something to do with X-Men: Apocalypse coming out soon, but I think this goes deeper than that, because X-Men director Bryan Singer is more gay than he is straight, and just the idea of the X-Men in general is a big metaphor for being gay and persecuted. But...Damn. This takes that ideology to a whole new level.

This poster is actually pretty decent. Straight version, whenever you're coming out, you have a lot to compete with. But what really takes the cake is Wolverine. we'll get to him in a little while. Now, I don't see Professor X or Nightcrawler in the poster, and I'm kind of sad that the bad-ass ladies of X-men (Rogue, Storm, Shadowcat) aren't in this, but it's a gay porno, so I guess I can't say much about it. Now let's get into the stars of this movie, and how they look on the first impression.

PYRO: PLAYED BY PAUL CANON

Really? Nightcrawler, Gambit and Deadpool got cut so that Pyro, an X-Men character no one cares about, can be in this? Really? I mean, Deadpool is practically serving himself on a silver platter for you to use, and you go with Pyro? Okay, so how does he look in this? Eh. Nothing special. It's just a guy with fire photoshopped onto his hands. I don't really care about Pyro in general, so this one's passable. 

COLLOSUS: PLAYED BY LANDON MYCLES

Wow. Way to use the shit out of that silver airbrushing tool on Photoshop. I know porns don't really have a budget, so how are they gonna make this work on screen without looking fake and clunky? 

ICEMAN: PLAYED BY MIKE DE MARCO

Quick! Catch that fairy before it flies away! Is this guy seriously supposed to be Iceman? Oh, and I should also mention that Iceman in the X-Men comics officially came out as gay, so anything that happens to him in this, will now be possible in the official canon! Yay! #lovewins! 

CYCLOPS: PLAYED BY BRENNER BOLTON

Of all the costumes I've seen, this is the second least worse. There's only one in here that I think is legit. But for now, let's take a look at the okay-ish Cyclops. One thing I notice a lot in porn is that in parodies, the lady characters are usually dressed like sluts, while the male characters are dressed like how they're supposed to look. They could've taken the liberty of addressing that by giving Cyclops booty shorts and leather boots. At least then he would've stood out. 

MAGNETO: PLAYED BY PADDY O' BRIAN

This is the least worse of the costumes I considered bad. There's only one good one, and I'm saving him for last. This costume is okay, I guess. 

WOLVERINE: PLAYED BY COLBY KELLER

Wow. Now that it some grade A effort. They really nailed the casting of Wolverine here. Again, Straight version, you have A LOT to compete with! I mean,look at this guy! This isn't an actor portraying Wolverine in a gay porn, this is FUCKING Wolverine starring in a gay porn. If Hugh Jackman gets hit by a bus, or if they decide to reboot the X-men, they should probably cast this guy.

Please let RINGS be good!

So, one of my most anticipated movies of 2016 is Rings, the third installment in The Ring franchise. I'm really excited, but I hope I don't get excited over nothing. I mean, it's RARE to have a horror movie in a franchise be as good or better than the original. The Ring Two had an  bigger budget than the first movie, but was really, really sucky, because it forgot the creepy atmosphere and mood of the original The Ring (That, and it also had really crappy special effects.) But for goodness sake, I hope Rings will be the rare exception where a horror installment doesn't suck.

There isn't a trailer from the movie yet, but it's slated to premiere in theaters during Halloween time. But even though I haven't seen a trailer for it yet, I'm already hearing a lot of info from the movie, both good AND bad, which really concerns me. The movie is being directed by F. Javier Guitirrez, a pretty unknown director. This can either be good, or bad, but only time can tell what happens. Another thing that worries me is the plot of the movie. 

Julia is a high school student whose college boyfriend, Holt, has grown distant. Fearing they’re drifting apart, she travels to see him and finds out that he’s part of a club of college students who pass Samara's tape between each other. Julia discovers Holt watched the cursed tape six and a half days ago, meaning that by the end of the day, he would die. The curse is what brought them back together, but it’s also what threatens to kill them

Wow. What a weak story. It's obvious they're aiming for that teenaged crap that horror movies went for with Ouija and The Gallows, so here's my advice. DON'T FOLLOW THOSE MOVIES! Both those movies SUCKED. Sure, they made lots of money, but wouldn't it be better for a movie to make money AND be good? I mean, don't get me wrong. Movies centering around young people aren't always bad. Just as long as they don't feel forced in. Unfriended, for example, is a horror movie starring teens, and it's really good. I thought it was gonna be as bad as Ouija, but took me by surprise. And let's not forget that classic horror franchises like Scream and Halloween all have teenaged main characters. 

The final demand I have for Rings is simply this. Be Scary. People go to horror movies to be scared, and if you don't scare the audience, then what does that make you? But most modern horror movies have the same problem. They're not really that scary. They're full of cheap jump scares and play the "false alarm" card A LOT. 

But while I had some problems with this, there's also a lot that intrigues me. the trailer for the movie premiered at Wondercon. I haven't seen it myself, but from the description of it, it sounds really creepy, and something very refreshing fro The Ring franchise. From the descriptions I've read, the trailer is about a guy in an airplane who is sitting next to a girl. He tells her the usual. He watched the curse video tape a week ago, and is scheduled to die, so he boarded an airplane in hopes of escaping his fate. Suddenly, he starts bleeding from his nose. The plane loses signal, dark water starts seeping through the doors and windows of the plane. Oxygen masks start dropping down on the panicking passengers. The boy tries to flee, but then the iconic video tape starts playing on all of the TV screens on the plane. Suddenly, the big screen where the airplane safety video usually plays starts playing a video of a desolate well in a forest. You know where this is leading too. Samara emerges out of the well, and comes out of the TV, then the teaser ends. That sounds AWESOME! from the sound of this, Samara will have greater power than she's had before, if she can take out an entire airplane full of people. Another thing that I liked is that if Rings is successful, it will become the next Halloween franchise movie, joining the likes of Saw, Insidious and Paranormal Activity. I just want this movie to be good SO bad! I frickin' love The Ring. It's not only one of my favorite horror movies, it's one of my favorite MOVIES period! I see it in the way most nerds see Back To The Future or Star Wars. So please, F. Javier Gutierrez, Don't fail me! I've been waiting for this movie for a long time, and I already know what it's like to be disappointed by a movie I've been waiting for years to see (Jurassic World)