XXX-Men...What is happening, you guys?

So, Rule 34 states that if something exists, There's porn of it somewhere. And by something, I mean everything! There's even porn Porn parodies are everywhere these days! Some of them are shit yourself hilarious, and others are cringe worthy and probably shouldn't exist. Now, I admit, I watch porn, but I'm not gonna parade it around like it's something to be proud of. It's porn, you get off on it, and when you're done, you clear your search history and go about with the rest of your day. I don't know the industry, and I don't want to know the industry. I only watch it from a one-sided mirror. But once in a while, a porn parody comes out that's either so jaw dropping or infuriating, that I have to talk about it. I previously touched upon two Batman V. Superman parodies, Straight and Gay. The straight one was a Clusterfuck(No pun intended) of characters that weren't even in Batman V. Superman and released it WAY before the actual movie, while the gay one kept it simple, and released it the same time as the real Batman V. Superman. I guess the Gay one was such a success, that they're making another gay XXX Superhero parody. The XXX-Men! I guess this has something to do with X-Men: Apocalypse coming out soon, but I think this goes deeper than that, because X-Men director Bryan Singer is more gay than he is straight, and just the idea of the X-Men in general is a big metaphor for being gay and persecuted. But...Damn. This takes that ideology to a whole new level.

This poster is actually pretty decent. Straight version, whenever you're coming out, you have a lot to compete with. But what really takes the cake is Wolverine. we'll get to him in a little while. Now, I don't see Professor X or Nightcrawler in the poster, and I'm kind of sad that the bad-ass ladies of X-men (Rogue, Storm, Shadowcat) aren't in this, but it's a gay porno, so I guess I can't say much about it. Now let's get into the stars of this movie, and how they look on the first impression.

PYRO: PLAYED BY PAUL CANON

Really? Nightcrawler, Gambit and Deadpool got cut so that Pyro, an X-Men character no one cares about, can be in this? Really? I mean, Deadpool is practically serving himself on a silver platter for you to use, and you go with Pyro? Okay, so how does he look in this? Eh. Nothing special. It's just a guy with fire photoshopped onto his hands. I don't really care about Pyro in general, so this one's passable. 

COLLOSUS: PLAYED BY LANDON MYCLES

Wow. Way to use the shit out of that silver airbrushing tool on Photoshop. I know porns don't really have a budget, so how are they gonna make this work on screen without looking fake and clunky? 

ICEMAN: PLAYED BY MIKE DE MARCO

Quick! Catch that fairy before it flies away! Is this guy seriously supposed to be Iceman? Oh, and I should also mention that Iceman in the X-Men comics officially came out as gay, so anything that happens to him in this, will now be possible in the official canon! Yay! #lovewins! 

CYCLOPS: PLAYED BY BRENNER BOLTON

Of all the costumes I've seen, this is the second least worse. There's only one in here that I think is legit. But for now, let's take a look at the okay-ish Cyclops. One thing I notice a lot in porn is that in parodies, the lady characters are usually dressed like sluts, while the male characters are dressed like how they're supposed to look. They could've taken the liberty of addressing that by giving Cyclops booty shorts and leather boots. At least then he would've stood out. 

MAGNETO: PLAYED BY PADDY O' BRIAN

This is the least worse of the costumes I considered bad. There's only one good one, and I'm saving him for last. This costume is okay, I guess. 

WOLVERINE: PLAYED BY COLBY KELLER

Wow. Now that it some grade A effort. They really nailed the casting of Wolverine here. Again, Straight version, you have A LOT to compete with! I mean,look at this guy! This isn't an actor portraying Wolverine in a gay porn, this is FUCKING Wolverine starring in a gay porn. If Hugh Jackman gets hit by a bus, or if they decide to reboot the X-men, they should probably cast this guy.