Suicide Squad: a movie that sucks SO good

I'm back, Y'all! It's been a while. Anyways, I've made my opinions on the DC cinematic universe(It sucks) But then I saw Suicide Squad, and my thoughts on it? It's bad. really bad. Like, wow, this is a low point for DC movies. But oddly enough, I found myself really enjoying it. This movie takes good "Bad" movies to a whole new level.

So this movie takes place after Batman V. Superman. A movie I still haven't seen. #ProudOfMyself. So this movie alludes a lot to things that happen in Batman V. Superman, which sort of confuses me, because again, I haven't seen Batman V. Superman. Anyways, Annalise from How To Get away with Murder is now the head of a government defense something, and her second in command is the idiot boyfriend from Lola Versus, don't ask me how I know that, I just know. Idiot Boyfriend is dating an archaeologist called Dr. I'm a model trying desperately to get into acting, who is possessed by a witch known as the enchantress. Seriously? that's the best title they can come up with? They might as well just call her "Evil Witch Meanie". So Evil Witch Meanie wants to take over the world, and if this was the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Nick Fury would walk out of a shadowy corner and gather good, heroic people to stop the arriving evil. But this is a DC movie, and therefore devoid of all common sense and intellect. Instead, Aibileen gathers the most dangerous, psychotic criminals to fight Evil Witch Meanie. You know, because if Satan ever comes out of a volcanic crack to destroy the earth, we should send Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama Bin Laden, Brock Turner and Elizabeth Bathory to stop him. So the team is comprised of Deadshot AKA Exactly what you'd expect Will Smith to play in an action movie, Killer Croc AKA I look more realistic than anything from Jurassic World, El Diablo, AKA if Firestarter was a Mexican cholo stereotype instead of a young Drew Barreymore, Captain Boomerang AKA What The Fuck, Slipknot AKA it's obvious I'm gonna be the first to die and Harley Quinn AKA Everyone else might as well quit because she's the only thing that really shines in this movie! They battle with Evil Witch Meanie in exchange for shorter prison sentences, while being watched over by Idiot Boyfriend and Katana AKA what a Japanese greeting card would look like if it was a person. Now rather than a regular movie review, I'm gonna pinpoint the movie's strengths and weaknesses and what it could've improved on, because I already feel bad for the movie based on the mean spirited reviews it got.

GOOD: HARLEY QUINN

Harley Quinn is this movie's saving grace. In this messy cluster fuck of a movie, Harley just shines. When I first saw set photos of Harley in costume, I was skeptical. Her look is just awful. It's so boring and so predictable. It feels like the costume designer just got really lazy and sent Margot Robbie to Hot Topic. I would've preferred her Arkham City look, or even her original Jester suit. What was wrong with that? Heck, she even wears it for a bit in a sequence where her and Joker are dancing in a black background, and she finds it again while digging through a box of her old stuff when the Squad is getting ready. But despite her unfortunate wardrobe choice, this version of Harley Quinn is one of the best. Margot Robbie's performance is just unbelievable. When you see her in the movie, you're not gonna see an actress playing Harley Quinn, you're gonna see FRIGGIN Harley Quinn. She's funny, sympathetic and a total Badass. And what I like about this Harley is that  she's not just Joker's unappreciated doormat of a girlfriend , like most other incarnations are. In other versions, Joker does something to hurt Harley's feelings, she cries for a bit, he does something that's barely nice for her, she forgives him, and the cycle starts all over again. Hey, I don't care if you're a psychotic clown who killed a teenaged boy and raped and crippled a police chief's daughter, you don't treat you're lady friend like that. And luckily, in this version, Joker genuinely cares for Harley. Isn't that sweet? But we'll get more into Joker Later. I also like the fact that Harley does get some solid moments that aren't just action sequences or funny one liners. The best scene in the movie is when the Squad are sitting in a bar, feeling defeated, and Harley is making them all drinks. El Diablo tells them the story of how he accidentally killed his family one night when his powers got out of control, and everyone is speechless, especially Harley, and instead of being sympathetic and feeling sorry for El Diablo, she snaps at him, because having a family is her biggest dream, and he burned his down to the ground(literally) and the fact that when Joker supposedly dies, Harley is sad over this, butshe doesn't fall apart like she does in the Arkham games. She shows that she's sad for her loss, but she quickly puts on her big girl face and rejoins the squad.

BAD: EVERYONE ELSE

This movie is full of characters, and unfortunately, none of them really shine as brightly as Harley or Joker does. There's so many characters and storylines, that it's sometimes hard to keep track of. Maybe if you're a comic book fan, you'd know who all the other randos are, but if you only know superheroes from movies and TV, like I do, You might get really confused. Aside from Harley, Deadshot and El Diablo comes the closest to being kind of memorable, because of their detailed backstories, but aren't really that great either. Then you have Rick Flag(Idiot Boyfriend) Slipknot, Katana and Killer Croc, who the movie probably should've left out. I mean, Slipknot dies early in the movie, Katana comes out of nowhere with this crazy bananas backstory I just don't understand, you could've replaced Croc with any other scary looking monster and the movie would still be the same, and Rick Flag is just so, very, very, very unlikable. He's hot, but unlikable. Then you have Amanda Waller, who is a mixed bag. On one hand, she's played flawlessly by the great viola Davis, but on the other, every decision this character makes in the movie is either wrong, or REALLY wrong. This movie probably would've been better if it's only squad members were Harley, Deadshot and El Diablo, and if they had a competent leader.

GOOD/BAD: THE JOKER

The good news is that Jared Leto is surprisingly a good Joker. I know there's a lot of people who aren't okay with "Lejoker" and I can't really blame them, but I thought Jared Leto was good. It was no Heath Ledger, but Leto's Joker was Definitely something differen in a good way. The bad news? He's barely in the fucking MOVIE! Joker was one of the major selling points of the movie, but feels more like an afterthought. It's like when they were halfway through the production of this movie, they suddenly remembered that Harley Quinn is Joker's girlfriend and decided to put him in the movie because MONEY! So Joker gets sidelined, while the "Wicked Witch of the Nobody Gives a Shit" gets to be this movie's big bad. That's like if in Sleeping Beauty, it turned out that Maleficent wasn't the bad guy, and that it was actually a nameless villager you don't care about. You DON'T do that to a great villain! If they really wanted the Joker to be in this movie. I would've liked it better if instead of going after Evil Witch Meanie, the Squad was sent to go after Joker and his army, which would be interesting for Harley, seeing how Joker is her "Puddin" 

BAD: EVIL WITCH MEANIE

Wow. Talk about a let down villain. Not since Sharon Stone from Catwoman have I seen such a weak antagonist. I give props to Cara Delevigne for making Evil Witch Meanie look creepy, but let's face it, she always looks creepy. Heck, I don't think she was even trying to look creepy, I think that's just her resting face. I feel like the creators of the movie we're like, "Okay, what's a female villain that's popular now? Charlize Theron from Snow White & The Hunstman? Okay, we'll rip her off, and her voice too. And what's a really creepy female villain? That Ghost Girl from The Grudge? Great! We'll rip her off, too" and let me remind you again, The Joker got sidelined so that she could be the villain of this.

GOOD: THE ACTION SEQUENCES

The strength of this movie is when the Squad is kicking ass, and thankfully, that's a good chunk of the movie. The scenes with Joker(Or little there of) are really fun to watch. The scene where Harley is fighting one of those rock candy eye people in an elevator is really fun to watch. Or that ending battle where Evil Witch Meanie starts attacking the Squad. 

BAD: IT'S SOOO CONFUSING

So I have some Questions for this movie? Harley is clearly insane (She has voices in her head) So why is she in a prison? Shouldn't she be in Arkham Asylum? You know, that place where you put crazy people in? And when Evil Witch Meanie was destroying an entire city, where was Wonder Woman, Batman & The Flash in this? Wonder Woman clearly has magical powers too, so why didn't she just go after Evil Witch Meanie? And where the hell did Katana come from? She just jumps into that plane full of characters I already have to remember, and we're just supposed to accept that? The problem with ensemble cast movies is that you have to remember ALL of the characters for the first time. The reason I really love The Avengers is that the characters in it were already established in earlier movies, so you don't have to remember anyone. Because you already know who they are and what they've been through. And why is the security for this world so terrible at their job? Joker just breaks in and out of places, and all the security guards ever do is get killed by Joker's goons. And let's not forget that scene where El Diablo randomly turns into a giant fire skeleton monster? Is that ever explained? 

Well, those were my thoughts on Suicide Squad. I thought it had A LOT of problems, but overall, it was really enjoyable. It might have just convinced me to go finally see Batman V. Superman...NOT!!!!

I saw Batman V Superman and I loved it!

You guys we're right, Batman V Superman is pure genius. Never in my life have I ever seen something so, so brilliant. It's nothing short of perfect! The actors we're soo amazing. I think this might be my new favorite movie. Move over, Titanic and Dirty Dancing. This is the new gem in my life...

PSYCH! Just kidding! Hahahaha. April Fools Day! I will become a professional figure skater before I see that movie! Happy April Fools Day, everyone!

MY JUSTICE LEAGUE MOVIE DREAMCAST

I already know that a Justice League movie is being made, right after that Batman V Superman, which will be the death of me. But What if the Justice League movie was how I wanted it?And by that, I mean as far away from Zack Snyder and this shitty DC Cinematic Universe as possible. The actors would be totally different. Henry Cavill is not my Superman, so I would give him the Kryptonite boot. And I don't know who Ben Affleck is kidding. I would pick him up with my two hands, break his back with my knee, and throw him in the same grave I'm gonna bury Henry Cavill. And Gal Gadot? I don't even want to start on that one. If I was to cast the Justice League for a DC Cinematic Universe done right, Here'show it would look like, and here's how they would act like. Here's who I think should play the core Justice League members.

SUPERMAN: IAN HARDING

Henry Cavill's Superman is basically written as an all powerful god being to be worshiped or feared, and I do not like that. That's not Superman! That's how Batman fans see Superman! Why would Superman have an alter ego if he wanted to be worshiped? Because he doesn't! So in my Justice League movie, Kal-El would be far from Henry Cavill's Superman. He's not a god, he's not a Jesus allegory, he's not the guy who wants to be worshiped, he's the guy who helps those who can't defend themselves, because it's his responsibility. and that's why I chose Ian Harding. Ian is basically a softer version of Henry Cavill. He could either be the guy who flies through Metropolis, or the guy you'd see on the street. And every time I picture a live action Superman that isn't Christopher Reeve, I always end up seeing Ian for some reason. I used to not like him character on PLL (How dare you brake Aria's heart?!?!), but recently, I'm starting to like him more and more. 

BATMAN: MATT BOMER

Batman is a tricky one. He's been done so many times, I can't even figure him out, but when you get to the core of Batman, he's a broken person seeking Justice he'll never resolve. He's basically reverse Superman. Superman was born from hope, and Batman was born from despair. If we're going for an older Batman, I'd choose Joel Edgerton, but if we're going for a younger Batman, I'd go with Matt Bomer. Matt Bomer would be a great Bruce Wayne. He definitely looks like it. Matt didn't get the role of Superman in Man Of Steel because he was gay, so let's give him the second best thing. 

WONDER WOMAN: JAMIE ALEXANDER

Everybody wanted Jamie Alexander to play Wonder Woman, and so did I. I mean, just look at her! She looks like friggin Wonder Woman! And her role as Lady Sif in the Thor movies only made people want her to play Wonder Woman even more. I'm sure Gal Gadot will do her best as Wonder Woman, but let's face it. She does not look like Wonder Woman. She's far too skinny. She would make a better Lois Lane than a Wonder Woman. 

GREEN LANTERN: MICHAEL B. JORDAN

I would've cast a Hal Jordan, but he burned up his luck with that awful 2011 movie. So I went with John Stewart, a fairly underrated Green Lantern (probably because he's black!) I picked Michael B. Jordan of Fantastic 4 fame. Michael l would make a great John Stewart because John is the tough, serious guy who'd make a good one-liner once in a while, and if you watched Friday Night Lights, that's exactly what he played. 

AQUAMAN: ARMIE HAMMER

Aquaman, king of the seas, butt of every superhero joke, powerful sea sorcerer. Who should play him? Well, if things went my way, I would cast Armie Hammer. An actor who was on the rise to fame,,,until he starred in The Lone Ranger. Anyways, I would cast Armie Hammer because I don't care about Armie Hammer, and I also don't care about Aquaman. Who's next?

THE FLASH: RYAN GOSLING

For The Flash/Barry Allen, I chose Ryan Gosling. The Flash is both handsome, but weird and fast talking, and I've seen enough Ryan Gosling movies to see these traits. Originally, I chose Alex Pettyfer, but then I realized Alex was too bland to play a high spirited character like The Flash.

So that was the main Characters. But heroes are only as good as the people who support them. Let's take a look at the Heroes' supporting cast.

LOIS LANE: KATE MARA



Ah, Lois. The strong, independent Journalist(that always needs Superman to save her) As much as I love Amy Adams (Enchanted is my all time favorite movie of hers) her take on Superman's ally and love interest comes across as less Lois Lane, and more Mary Jane. She's only there to support Superman, and that's not Lois. Lois is a cynical character who only supports herself. So who should play her? Originally, for this part, I chose Ellen Page, but then I went back because I realized that she looks 14, so I pushed for someone who looked older, So my choice would be Kate Mara. Lois is a journalist known for being sassy, snarky and wanting things to go her way. Kate has played a headstrong reported on House of Cards, and a very sassy(albeit mentally unstable) character in American Horror Story. So Kate would make a great Lois Lane.

NIGHTWING: LOGAN LERMAN



Why Nightwing and not Robin? Because Nightwing is awesome, and Robin is, um...not so much. I mean, in a serious superhero movie, why would there be a child dressed as a Christmas Elf following Batman around? So I went with Nightwing, who is basically Robin who has had it with Batman's shit and became a bad-ass superhero. So who should play Nightwing? My choice is Logan Lerman. Logan has recently had a rise to fame, with movies like Fury and Perks Of Being A Wallflower. He'd make a perfect Nightwing because Nightwing is a very young Superhero. He had just recently ditched Batman and the "sidekick" title of Robin to be his own awesome superhero. So basically, a boy turning into a man. Logan's character in Fury is a very similar role. Now, I know he might be a little skinny for the role, but if Chris Pratt can go from a fat guy to a muscly guy, then Logan can go from string bean to Ripped guy who wears spandex so tight, you can see his luscious booty.

Now what would a hero be without a villain? A person in a ridiculous outfit. Here's the dreamcast villains for my Justice League

DOOMSDAY: ANDY SERKIS



In this age, Practical effects are nearly nonexistent. so if you're going to do CG, do it right. I'd cast doomsday as a mo-cap Andy Serkis, because there is no one better at mo-cap than Andy Serkis.

In a future Superman Reboot, here's what I want to see.

I've already spoken out about my disappointment for Man of Steel and the slew of  upcoming DC movies it's created, but 20-30 years from now, there will be another Superman reboot, like there will be for Batman, Spider-Man and every other thing. And when that happens, here's what I want and expect from it.

1. NO KRYPTON, MORE SMALLVILLE

In Man of Steel, we saw way too much of Krypton if you ask me, and little to nothing of how Kal-El was taken in by the Kents. So in the reboot movie, I want to see the rocket carrying Kal-El leaving Krypton, and then it explodes. Then I want to see how Johnathan and Martha Kent found the baby Kal-El, took him in, renamed him Clark, and how they raised him.

2.  CLARK BREAKS DOWN

If I found out that I was adopted and that my native planet has blown to smithereens, I would probably be so upset that I would cry for days. So in the reboot movie, I want to see Clark really upset, and come to terms that he's not human. He's Superman.

3. JOHNATHAN KENT DOESN'T DIE

Why do these Superman movies always have the need to kill off Clark's dad? In the comics and animated series, his dad is alive and well. But in the movies, dead. And they get more cartoony in every version. In the first movie, he dies from a heart attack. a sad and respectable way of dying. In Man of Steel, he's sucked up by a tornado while standing and doing nothing. Didn't see that one coming. 

4. A TRUE LOIS LANE

While Amy Adams is a terrific actress, she is no Lois Lane. In Man of Steel, Lois was basically an educated Mary Jane. She was only there to give Superman her support, and say supportive lines. That's not Lois Lane! Lois is a snarky woman who gives it to you straight! Think Meg from Disney's Hercules, which is probably a better Superman movie than Man of Steel. If the real Lois was in Man of Steel, and she was there at the ending when Superman's stupidity wrecks a good chunk of Metropolis, she'd be like "Nice going, hero." with 10 times more sarcasm.

5. BATMAN AS AN ALLY, NOT A FOIL

As unbelievable as it seems, I'm actually not against the idea of Batman appearing in a Superman movie, or a shared DC Cinematic Universe, despite how much I've shitted on Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad. But unlike Batman V Superman, where they're just there to fight in the mud, I want to see Batman and Superman working together in a Superman franchise 30 years from now. If Batman and Superman are gonna appear in film together again in a rebooted universe, I want it to be done right. 

6. COLOR

Man Of Steel was a grey movie. There was color, but it was always a a shade of grey. blue grey. orange grey. yellow grey, black grey. How do you make black grey?!?! Superman's universe isn't color muted. It's bright, saturated and very colorful. 

7. JIMMY OLSEN

One thing I didn't see in MoS is Jimmy Olsen, the Daily Planet photographer. Why wasn't he there? He's Superman's best friend, he should be there. 

8. CLARK HAS SELF DOUBT

In Man of Steel and Superman, he knows he's the big, powerful Superhero, making him come off as arrogant and tyrannical. So in the future Superman reboot, I don't want just a confident, all smiles Superman. I want there to be a subplot where he's like "Am I really a hero?" or "I'm not good enough to be these people's savior."  and then realize that he is good enough.

9. THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN

One of my favorite Superman stories is The Death of Superman, in which Superman sacrifices his own life to save the people of Earth from a super powerful alien called Doomsday. His final act of heroism was tragic and respective...Until he came back to life a few months later. So in the reboot, I want to see Superman's last act as a Superhero, and I want it to make me cry. I want to be sobbing like it's the ending of Titanic when he's dying in Lois' arms (Or Batman's. Who knows? The future might look hella different. And speaking of which....

10. SUPERMAN + BATMAN

I know this might seem like 7th grade fangirl's fanfiction, but why not? We've seen these two share a bed. And they've almost filled out all the emotional tiers. They were allies, they were best friends, they were mortal enemies, all that's missing is for them to hook up. I mean, the superheroes Midnighter and Apollo is basically a gay Batman and Superman married couple. 

11. REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN

One good thing that came out of Superman's death is the debut of four new Supermen. Cyborg Superman, Teenage Superman, Robot Alien Superman, and Superman that is literally a "Man of Steel", each fighting over who is the next, true Superman. 

12. VILLAINS

My villains wish list is Zod, Lex Luthor, Amazo, Doomsday, and Livewire. 

And That's what I'd like to see in a future Superman movie. 30 years is a long time from now, so it's best I start hoping while it's still early. I'm also gonna give my opinions on what I want to see from a Batman reboot 30 years from now, so stay tuned. 

Batman v Superman Comic-Con trailer thoughts

So this new trailer for Batman V Superman came out at Comic-Con, and I've got to say, it made me kind of want to see the movie. Don't get me wrong. I know it's gonna be a bad movie, but this trailer is so bad that it's kinda good. I already stated on how I'm against this new DC movie universe because it was built upon a rotten foundation (Man of Steel) and only exists to cashgrab the Avenger's success. But unlike the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there was no love, care and thought put into this new franchise. It's just the Zack Snyder sucking the fanboy's cocks instead of giving us a Man of Steel sequel that fixes the problems of the first movie. Instead, we get Batman. Lots and lots of Batman. If I never hear about that BAT-tention whore again, it would be too soon. Anyways, let's take a more in depth look at the trailer.

So the trailer begins with a Helen Hunt look alike going "People must know the truth!" Superman is being trialed for the destruction of Metropolis, because humans suck, I guess. What would they have rather happened? Superman not doing anything and letting Zod and his crew take over the earth? Comic book civilians are kinda dumbasses.

Then we cut to billionaire Bruce Wayne. He's upset because Superman and Zod's little tussle in the first movie resulted in one of his buildings getting destroyed. "I know he saved humanity and sacrificed the only other member of his species in doing so, but he knocked down my favorite building! Now he has to pay!" 

Then the next part introduced Wayne's Batman persona, along with a guy tied up with a batman sign burned on his skin. Why do I have a feeling that this movie is going to be Bat-fanboy porn?

 

Then it shows Perry White yelling at Clark Kent. "You! Man who's previous jobs were fisherman and bar waiter who's now suddenly a journalist for some reason! Stop talking about Batman!" 

 

Amy Adams is still here. And she's still supposed to be Lois Lane. "You're special, Clark. You mean something. I'm just saying the same dialogue I said in Man of Steel, only this time it's more contrived. I'm a talented actress, yet I'm wasting my talent on this shitty franchise" And why is Lois the support card for Superman? Lois is supposed to be snarky and gives it to you straight, not doughy and supportive. You might as well call her Mary Jane. 

Then we see some people on top of a roof during a flood. There's an S-shield painted on top of the roof. It's good to see that there's people who are passed "Evil! Different!" and are actually grateful to the Man of Steel. I mean Superman. Not the movie. Man of Steel sucks. 

Then Superman is at his farm with his mom, and she's literally giving the same speech Clark's idiot father gave in the first movie. "People fear what they don't understand, son. You don't owe them anything."

By this point, they're just putting up random images

Then we see Helen Hunt being lead to a room by the Asian chick from Pacific Rim and talks to Meg Ryan from Kate and Leopold.

Then it shows Meg Ryan taunting Superman. Jeesh! No wonder she doesn't get cast in movies anymore.

the next clip shows Yoko "Oh, No" walking with a large box. She makes Nicole Richie look like Cedric the entertainer.

Yikes! This is a face I never thought I had to see again.

So much for a gritty, dark universe. This is starting to feel like those infamous superhero porn parodies for some reason. #BurnInHellRobin

Oh, look. A gypsy woman stole Madonna's clothes. First Lady Gaga, and now you. 

And seeing how this is a Superman/Batman movie, the fight scene from The Dark Knight Returns has to be in it. Good luck trying to make it fit into the plot!

We interrupt Batman V Superman to show you the leftover shots from the Lone Ranger.

Wait, what is this?

Oh, no. Not this again. Please, no! If I had a dollar for every time Batman's origin story is told, I would be rich. Does this have to be in the movie? Can't you save it for when it doesn't feel completely forced. And BTW, I had no idea that Batman's dad is Jim Carrey.

Close your mouth, boy. You'll catch flies.

Wonder Woman's here too, I guess. yay?

Words cannot describe how stupid this looks. 

Now, this is either the scene of a horrible crime, or this is the school from Degrassi. I can't really tell the difference. 

The next clip shows Meg Ryan looking at a large piece of Kryptonite. If I were you, I'd smoke that thing, seeing how you're career is going nowhere. 

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.

Moneyshot

Superman has now taken on the form of Joey from Friends.

I'm pretty sure this is just gameplay clip from Arkham Knight.

It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone, like you.

Well, that was my thoughts of the Batman V Superman trailer. I guess the only thing left to do is to do is drink this mess away and hope you'll forget it when you wake up.