JURASSIC WORLD REVIEW: A BIG LETDOWN

22 years ago, Steven Spielberg released a movie called Jurassic Park. This movie changed and defined the way movies would be made. What really drew people in is the hyper realistic dinosaurs. Before this movie, Special effects were crap. No offense, Jaws fans, but that shark is not at all convincing. But the scene where the Tyrannosaurus Rex makes her debut had audience in awe. The Velociraptor kitchen scene in my opinion was way too real, and that's when my fear of Velociraptors first developed. (Personal sidenote: when I lived in Mindanao, my dad told me that there were Velociraptors outside during night time, and that's why I will never go back to Mindanao.)

Jurassic Park had sequels of course, but both of them were more like spin-offs than real sequels. The Lost World wasn't as pleasing to fans, and everyone hated Jurassic Park III, well, except for me. JP3 is what got me to like the JP franchise to begin with, so shut up! #SPINOSAURUSBITCHEZ! But now, we have Jurassic World, an official, really most sincerely sequel. When I first heard of JW, I nearly shit my pants, I was that excited. Now that I've watched it, what's my opinion? Well, if I had known it was gonna suck so hard, I probably would've hyped for something else. I don't know how to write a good review for this movie, so I'll just checklist my problems with it, starting with the most obvious.

REASON 1: MADE BY FANBOYS, MADE FOR FANBOYS, COMPLETE SHIT

There is little to no sense in this movie. It's obvious a raging fanboy I'm ashamed to call fellow JP fans wrote the screenplay. The ending fight scene with the T Rex and the Indominus is so fake, nonsensical, and has fanboy written all over it.  It starts off with Claire taking the CGI T Rex out of her cage while running in high heels, Yeah, right. The T Rex annihilates a Spinosaurus skeleton, and the reason behind it? (FANBOY: T Rex should always win! Fuck Spinosaurus! Ranting! Ranting! Ranting!) are fanboys really still sore about this? I know T Rex is a fan favorite, but it's a fucking T Rex, not the Terminator! Anyways, Then the T Rex and Indominus begin to fight. T Rex gets her ass kicked for a while, showing that not even Nature's fiercest champion can withstand a man made horror. But instead of gracefully sacrificing the T Rex for a stronger message, guess what happens? The last of the Velociraptor jumps at Indominus' face, T Rex gets up, she kicks the I Rex's ass for some reason, and then the Mosasaur jumps out of it's tank and Eats the I Rex. T Rex and Velociraptor are now friends, and they let the good humans live, and if your confused, no, this wasn't a fan fiction written by a four year old. I have always had a grudge against fanboys. But this Jurassic fan fiction sent my grudge to overdrive, and now I really, really, really hate fanboys. They bitch and moan about everything, and Hollywood always ends up feeding them. My main examples? The Transformers movies, The new TMNT and this movie. 

REASON 2: TRYING TO BE JURASSIC PARK...AND FAILING

This movie has many homages to Jurassic Park, and even the first two sequels, and that isn't a bad thing. But when you're movie is basically a shot for shot recreation of the original three movies, then you know you have a problem. Aside from that hologram room and the Mosasaur feeding show, there's nothing new about this movie. Let's pinpoint it's "homages", shall we?

1. Entering the park on a railed vehicle (JURASSIC PARK)

2. Using the same soundtrack over and over again (Every single JP movie)

3. main characters standing around a dying herbivore (Jurassic Park)

4. Main characters look for missing child/children (Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III)

5. Obvious evil guy wants to use Dinosaurs for his own nefarious purposes ( Jurassic Park, The Lost World)

6. Pteranodons attacking people (Jurassic Park III)

7. Velociraptors attacking humans (Every single JP movie)

8. Big dinosaur battle. (Jurassic Park 3)

9. T Rex ends the movie with a roar (Jurassic Park)

10. Big Dinosaur attacks helpless characters in some form of vehicle (Every single JP movie.)

And speaking of kids, don't get me started on the kids in JW. They're awful! The worse! Carbonated versions of the kids from the Jurassic Park movie. While in the original, Tim is a know it all, and Lex is a sassy teen, but there's still a charm to them that makes you like them. In this movie, the little boy is an annoying blabber mouth without an off button, and the teen is a douche bag and a skeeze. ( He has a girlfriend, yet he constantly makes a move on all the girls he sees on the island) How I wished the I Rex would end up eating them. Kelly from the Lost World and Eric from Jurassic Park III were better kid characters than these twerps. and if that wasn't bad enough, Those brats were the reason that British lady got eaten like a cheese ball. Hey, JW! Instead of trying to fix something that was never broken, how about giving us something new!

REASON 3: CGI, OH, MY!

Take a look back on the last Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic Park III. Love it or hate it, you've got to admit that the effects are amazing compared to Jurassic World's special effects. In Jurassic Park III, you have two giant dinosaur animatronics, and a set of Velociraptor puppets, as well as some pteranodons. But what does Jurassic World have? Horrible CGI that makes The Phantom Menace look like District 9. There is one practical effect that does look very impressive, but guess what? It's only a two minute scene of a dying brontosaurus. Even the T Rex doesn't seem like herself for some reason. In the original JP, I saw a T Rex. Here, I saw a cartoon of a T Rex. 

And there you go! The exact reasons why this prehistoric mess let me down hard. I haven't been this disappointed since Man of Steel.