2016 sucked. Here's why.

Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds were just two of many celebrity deaths that occurred in 2016, and the third and fourth celebrities to die in the past five days, along with Ricky Harris and of course, George Michael, who died on Christmas. At first, I was in disbelief, lust like how I first reacted when I found out Robin Williams had died. My princess Leia was no more, and Debbie was singin' on top of the rain now. Get it? Because she's in Heaven? I was sad, but in the course of five seconds later, my sadness turned into anger. It was all this stupid year's fault! It already claimed a lot, and I mean a LOT of beloved icons this year. 2016 sucked. And it wasn't just the celebrity deaths part that sucked, most of 2016 was a bust, with that stupid election, the most horrible people taking control of the government, gay people getting shot up by a crazy terrorist, lots of stupid movies clogged the silver screen like how shit would clog a toilet pipe, black people getting shot here and there by policemen, and of course, there's the matter of Mr. Trump, who I'l get back to at the end of this post. 2016 is an awful year. Right behind 9/11 and the year the holocaust began, we can now put 2016 right behind. And why, you might ask, was this year so horrible? Well, let uncle Al explain it all to you.

Good things that happened in 2016...

As much as I despise this year, there are many admirable things that happened in it. The handful of good movies we got were really, really good. Disney won big this year with Moana and Zootopia. Deadpool and it's star Ryan Reynolds are nominated for Golden Globes, Captain America 3 and Rogue One proved that Disney can do no wrong with it's acquired material, and we're finally seeing more diversity in the big screen. Over at TV world, Westworld, which I only accidentally got into thanks to my sister, blew my fucking mind by how amazing it was. Adam Ruins Everything is easily one of my favorite TV shows, Scream Queens keeps entertaining the hell out of me, and Supergirl finally pulled it's shit together by moving to the CW and throwing away all that mess from season one, and actually showing us Superman. In other uplifting news, Ebola was eradicated in parts of Africa, The tiger population is finally rising, The Rio Olympics was NOT an utter failure, and amazing young athletes like Simone Biles, Katie Ledecky and my Bae Steele Johnson made their country proud. Cubs won the world series, And Leo FINALLY got that Oscar. But other than that, this year has been utter shit.

Bradgelina is no more.

I found out brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorced through Star Magazine, and at first, I didn't believe it. Who would. That magazine, and all the other tabloid magazines just like it, ALWAYS say that Brad and Angelina are getting divorced. But this time, they were actually telling the truth. What. The. Fuck? Bradgelina was the staple of all #relationshipgoals, and now they're broken up? This is awful news...unless you're Jennifer Aniston or Chelsea Handler. 

The Movies Sucked.

Aside from a handful of gems, all of 2016's movies was the dirt those gems were buried in. I finally saw Batman V. Superman because it was on TV and I didn't have to pay for it, and it was shit. Suicide Squad? Utter shit. Ghostbusters was okay, but to both the true fans that grew up with it, and that fat losers who lives in their mother's basement that troll the internet, it was a pretty bad movie. Arrival was practically designed in a lab to be the perfect movie, but is completely forgettable compared to greater movies, and don't get me started on Suicide Squad, a movie who's title reflects on how you want to kill yourself after you've sat through this mess. What else sucked? The Video Game movies. The Angry Birds movie? Shit. Warcraft? Shit. Assassin's Creed? Shit. Alice through the looking glass is the crowning achievement of failure for Disney AND Tim Burton, who took a dump on a classic story by making it something it wasn't. Is there anything else I can list? Well, There's not much, but TMNT 2, Legend of Tarzan, Zoolander 2, The Huntsman, Ice Age 5, The Purge election Year, Independence Day 2, 31, The Neon Demon, Cabin Fever and so much more.

That Stupid election.

In the beginning, people thought it was going to be Hillary versus Jeb, a quiet, civilized election where voters acted like people with manners, and Hillary and Jeb presented why they would be great candidates as President. Either way, America could have been fine with these two, But Nope. The election literally threw a bunch of cartoon characters at us, starting off with a kooky old man Who's plans to take from the rich is essentially impossible, a cuban-canadian evangelical nutshell that looked like the Elephant from Inside Out, A Brain surgeon who left his Brain in the Hospital, and that billionaire asshole that's the bad guy in every movie. Jeb and Hillary were still in it, but Jeb was snuffed out faster that an orange asshole lion with tiny paws and a crazy mane catches it's prey, and everyone, Democrat and Republicans alike, spent the entire span of the election demonizing Hillary Clinton, instead of focusing on all the good she's done.

Brex-shit

I don't feel like explaining this one, so here you go.

Who needs Human Decency? Hate is so in this season. It's the new "Jeggings"

When Trump became president, Hate crimes have risen to it's all time high since 9/11. People are vandalizing properties with hateful propaganda. They're sending hateful messages to blacks, muslims, LGBT people, etc. And those same racists and bigots think that they own the country again. Guess what? They don't. They just made themselves easier to identify. And that's coming from a year that was already pretty hateful, with it's whitewashing and Police Brutality and refusal of refugees. 

2016: Year of Death



2016 is perhaps the highest year for celebrity deaths compared to previous years. Hell, 2016 started off with the death of David Bowie. And it only got worse with the death of Prince. And on my birthday weekend in June, we got the back-to-back murder of Christina Grimmie and the pulse night club shootings, that killed roughly 50 people, both of which happened in the same city. And recently, we got the death of George Michael(Who died on Christmas), Carrie Fisher and her mother, Debbie Reynolds, one of the last great actresses of old Hollywood. 2016 also included the death of, but not limited to, Nancy Reagan, Anton Yelchin, Alan Rickman, Miss Cleo, Gene Wilder, Antonin Scalia, Muhammad Ali, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Harper Lee and Florence Henderson.

TRUMP and his Basket of Deplorables



Everyone knows that Donald Trump is awful, and will make a terrible President. He hates Muslims and wants to waste taxpayer dollars on building a border wall, because let's face it, Mexico will NEVER pay for that stupid shit. But at this point, It's not Trump I'm worried about. It's the people backing him. For his VP, he has Mike Pence, a scary homophobe who allowed gay discrimination in his state of Indiana, and will probably try to do the same for the rest of the country. And then there's the matter of his cabinet picks, which is chock full of bigots and deplorables. Tell me Trump, if you're such an ally to gays, then why are your cabinet picks mostly anti-gay? And now that Trump is President, crazy conservative fanatics who likes forcing their beliefs down people's throats will have the upper hand against progressive, open-minded people. You know that vision of a brighter future where Cars fly, cancer is curable, Hover-boards exist and people living in Mars? You can forget that! Now the future consists of bible thumpers, factories polluting the air, and millions of poor Americans whose jobs were all outsourced to china. So congratulations, Trump. You've made America great again...for the billionaires, racists and nutty zealots who thinks that everything is a sin.  

the 1st trailer for "Rings" is really bad.

Remember back when I practically begged for this movie to be good? What happened to our deal, Paramount? The first trailer for Rings is not very good, and here's why. Before we get started, let me just say that I fucking love The Ring. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. It used to scare me as a kid and continues to intrigue me as an adult. Now let us begin. First of all, the original tone of the movie is completely gone. You remember how in The Ring, where the color of the movie had this blueish tint that really helped make the atmosphere really dreary and depressing? 

Well, for Rings, it's now gone! Another thing I liked about the original is that it's not just a flick full of jump scares like most horror movies. It built up to it's scares, so that way, it's more suspenseful as you keep watching. But for Rings, I guess they're just going for the basic horror scare cliches. So far, I'm not loving what I'm seeing, It's leaning towards more of the generic "Teens get themselves into deep shit" horror movies, like Ouija and The Gallows, which I pray to god isn't how the actual movie turns out. If Rings needs to follow another movie's example, it should follow Lights Out, a fresh, original and scary movie that is very reminiscent of the original movie. But who knows what the actual movie holds. Maybe the trailer just doesn't do it justice and the full movie is actually very good. I've seen good movies get fucked over by awful trailers before. And to be fair, there are some good things about the trailer. Like the scene where Samara attacks an entire airplane full of people just to get the one passenger who watched her tape. And the scene where that goth girl tries to break her TV so that Samara can't get her. But only time will tell if it's really worth it.

Suicide Squad: a movie that sucks SO good

I'm back, Y'all! It's been a while. Anyways, I've made my opinions on the DC cinematic universe(It sucks) But then I saw Suicide Squad, and my thoughts on it? It's bad. really bad. Like, wow, this is a low point for DC movies. But oddly enough, I found myself really enjoying it. This movie takes good "Bad" movies to a whole new level.

So this movie takes place after Batman V. Superman. A movie I still haven't seen. #ProudOfMyself. So this movie alludes a lot to things that happen in Batman V. Superman, which sort of confuses me, because again, I haven't seen Batman V. Superman. Anyways, Annalise from How To Get away with Murder is now the head of a government defense something, and her second in command is the idiot boyfriend from Lola Versus, don't ask me how I know that, I just know. Idiot Boyfriend is dating an archaeologist called Dr. I'm a model trying desperately to get into acting, who is possessed by a witch known as the enchantress. Seriously? that's the best title they can come up with? They might as well just call her "Evil Witch Meanie". So Evil Witch Meanie wants to take over the world, and if this was the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Nick Fury would walk out of a shadowy corner and gather good, heroic people to stop the arriving evil. But this is a DC movie, and therefore devoid of all common sense and intellect. Instead, Aibileen gathers the most dangerous, psychotic criminals to fight Evil Witch Meanie. You know, because if Satan ever comes out of a volcanic crack to destroy the earth, we should send Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama Bin Laden, Brock Turner and Elizabeth Bathory to stop him. So the team is comprised of Deadshot AKA Exactly what you'd expect Will Smith to play in an action movie, Killer Croc AKA I look more realistic than anything from Jurassic World, El Diablo, AKA if Firestarter was a Mexican cholo stereotype instead of a young Drew Barreymore, Captain Boomerang AKA What The Fuck, Slipknot AKA it's obvious I'm gonna be the first to die and Harley Quinn AKA Everyone else might as well quit because she's the only thing that really shines in this movie! They battle with Evil Witch Meanie in exchange for shorter prison sentences, while being watched over by Idiot Boyfriend and Katana AKA what a Japanese greeting card would look like if it was a person. Now rather than a regular movie review, I'm gonna pinpoint the movie's strengths and weaknesses and what it could've improved on, because I already feel bad for the movie based on the mean spirited reviews it got.

GOOD: HARLEY QUINN

Harley Quinn is this movie's saving grace. In this messy cluster fuck of a movie, Harley just shines. When I first saw set photos of Harley in costume, I was skeptical. Her look is just awful. It's so boring and so predictable. It feels like the costume designer just got really lazy and sent Margot Robbie to Hot Topic. I would've preferred her Arkham City look, or even her original Jester suit. What was wrong with that? Heck, she even wears it for a bit in a sequence where her and Joker are dancing in a black background, and she finds it again while digging through a box of her old stuff when the Squad is getting ready. But despite her unfortunate wardrobe choice, this version of Harley Quinn is one of the best. Margot Robbie's performance is just unbelievable. When you see her in the movie, you're not gonna see an actress playing Harley Quinn, you're gonna see FRIGGIN Harley Quinn. She's funny, sympathetic and a total Badass. And what I like about this Harley is that  she's not just Joker's unappreciated doormat of a girlfriend , like most other incarnations are. In other versions, Joker does something to hurt Harley's feelings, she cries for a bit, he does something that's barely nice for her, she forgives him, and the cycle starts all over again. Hey, I don't care if you're a psychotic clown who killed a teenaged boy and raped and crippled a police chief's daughter, you don't treat you're lady friend like that. And luckily, in this version, Joker genuinely cares for Harley. Isn't that sweet? But we'll get more into Joker Later. I also like the fact that Harley does get some solid moments that aren't just action sequences or funny one liners. The best scene in the movie is when the Squad are sitting in a bar, feeling defeated, and Harley is making them all drinks. El Diablo tells them the story of how he accidentally killed his family one night when his powers got out of control, and everyone is speechless, especially Harley, and instead of being sympathetic and feeling sorry for El Diablo, she snaps at him, because having a family is her biggest dream, and he burned his down to the ground(literally) and the fact that when Joker supposedly dies, Harley is sad over this, butshe doesn't fall apart like she does in the Arkham games. She shows that she's sad for her loss, but she quickly puts on her big girl face and rejoins the squad.

BAD: EVERYONE ELSE

This movie is full of characters, and unfortunately, none of them really shine as brightly as Harley or Joker does. There's so many characters and storylines, that it's sometimes hard to keep track of. Maybe if you're a comic book fan, you'd know who all the other randos are, but if you only know superheroes from movies and TV, like I do, You might get really confused. Aside from Harley, Deadshot and El Diablo comes the closest to being kind of memorable, because of their detailed backstories, but aren't really that great either. Then you have Rick Flag(Idiot Boyfriend) Slipknot, Katana and Killer Croc, who the movie probably should've left out. I mean, Slipknot dies early in the movie, Katana comes out of nowhere with this crazy bananas backstory I just don't understand, you could've replaced Croc with any other scary looking monster and the movie would still be the same, and Rick Flag is just so, very, very, very unlikable. He's hot, but unlikable. Then you have Amanda Waller, who is a mixed bag. On one hand, she's played flawlessly by the great viola Davis, but on the other, every decision this character makes in the movie is either wrong, or REALLY wrong. This movie probably would've been better if it's only squad members were Harley, Deadshot and El Diablo, and if they had a competent leader.

GOOD/BAD: THE JOKER

The good news is that Jared Leto is surprisingly a good Joker. I know there's a lot of people who aren't okay with "Lejoker" and I can't really blame them, but I thought Jared Leto was good. It was no Heath Ledger, but Leto's Joker was Definitely something differen in a good way. The bad news? He's barely in the fucking MOVIE! Joker was one of the major selling points of the movie, but feels more like an afterthought. It's like when they were halfway through the production of this movie, they suddenly remembered that Harley Quinn is Joker's girlfriend and decided to put him in the movie because MONEY! So Joker gets sidelined, while the "Wicked Witch of the Nobody Gives a Shit" gets to be this movie's big bad. That's like if in Sleeping Beauty, it turned out that Maleficent wasn't the bad guy, and that it was actually a nameless villager you don't care about. You DON'T do that to a great villain! If they really wanted the Joker to be in this movie. I would've liked it better if instead of going after Evil Witch Meanie, the Squad was sent to go after Joker and his army, which would be interesting for Harley, seeing how Joker is her "Puddin" 

BAD: EVIL WITCH MEANIE

Wow. Talk about a let down villain. Not since Sharon Stone from Catwoman have I seen such a weak antagonist. I give props to Cara Delevigne for making Evil Witch Meanie look creepy, but let's face it, she always looks creepy. Heck, I don't think she was even trying to look creepy, I think that's just her resting face. I feel like the creators of the movie we're like, "Okay, what's a female villain that's popular now? Charlize Theron from Snow White & The Hunstman? Okay, we'll rip her off, and her voice too. And what's a really creepy female villain? That Ghost Girl from The Grudge? Great! We'll rip her off, too" and let me remind you again, The Joker got sidelined so that she could be the villain of this.

GOOD: THE ACTION SEQUENCES

The strength of this movie is when the Squad is kicking ass, and thankfully, that's a good chunk of the movie. The scenes with Joker(Or little there of) are really fun to watch. The scene where Harley is fighting one of those rock candy eye people in an elevator is really fun to watch. Or that ending battle where Evil Witch Meanie starts attacking the Squad. 

BAD: IT'S SOOO CONFUSING

So I have some Questions for this movie? Harley is clearly insane (She has voices in her head) So why is she in a prison? Shouldn't she be in Arkham Asylum? You know, that place where you put crazy people in? And when Evil Witch Meanie was destroying an entire city, where was Wonder Woman, Batman & The Flash in this? Wonder Woman clearly has magical powers too, so why didn't she just go after Evil Witch Meanie? And where the hell did Katana come from? She just jumps into that plane full of characters I already have to remember, and we're just supposed to accept that? The problem with ensemble cast movies is that you have to remember ALL of the characters for the first time. The reason I really love The Avengers is that the characters in it were already established in earlier movies, so you don't have to remember anyone. Because you already know who they are and what they've been through. And why is the security for this world so terrible at their job? Joker just breaks in and out of places, and all the security guards ever do is get killed by Joker's goons. And let's not forget that scene where El Diablo randomly turns into a giant fire skeleton monster? Is that ever explained? 

Well, those were my thoughts on Suicide Squad. I thought it had A LOT of problems, but overall, it was really enjoyable. It might have just convinced me to go finally see Batman V. Superman...NOT!!!!

XXX-Men...What is happening, you guys?

So, Rule 34 states that if something exists, There's porn of it somewhere. And by something, I mean everything! There's even porn Porn parodies are everywhere these days! Some of them are shit yourself hilarious, and others are cringe worthy and probably shouldn't exist. Now, I admit, I watch porn, but I'm not gonna parade it around like it's something to be proud of. It's porn, you get off on it, and when you're done, you clear your search history and go about with the rest of your day. I don't know the industry, and I don't want to know the industry. I only watch it from a one-sided mirror. But once in a while, a porn parody comes out that's either so jaw dropping or infuriating, that I have to talk about it. I previously touched upon two Batman V. Superman parodies, Straight and Gay. The straight one was a Clusterfuck(No pun intended) of characters that weren't even in Batman V. Superman and released it WAY before the actual movie, while the gay one kept it simple, and released it the same time as the real Batman V. Superman. I guess the Gay one was such a success, that they're making another gay XXX Superhero parody. The XXX-Men! I guess this has something to do with X-Men: Apocalypse coming out soon, but I think this goes deeper than that, because X-Men director Bryan Singer is more gay than he is straight, and just the idea of the X-Men in general is a big metaphor for being gay and persecuted. But...Damn. This takes that ideology to a whole new level.

This poster is actually pretty decent. Straight version, whenever you're coming out, you have a lot to compete with. But what really takes the cake is Wolverine. we'll get to him in a little while. Now, I don't see Professor X or Nightcrawler in the poster, and I'm kind of sad that the bad-ass ladies of X-men (Rogue, Storm, Shadowcat) aren't in this, but it's a gay porno, so I guess I can't say much about it. Now let's get into the stars of this movie, and how they look on the first impression.

PYRO: PLAYED BY PAUL CANON

Really? Nightcrawler, Gambit and Deadpool got cut so that Pyro, an X-Men character no one cares about, can be in this? Really? I mean, Deadpool is practically serving himself on a silver platter for you to use, and you go with Pyro? Okay, so how does he look in this? Eh. Nothing special. It's just a guy with fire photoshopped onto his hands. I don't really care about Pyro in general, so this one's passable. 

COLLOSUS: PLAYED BY LANDON MYCLES

Wow. Way to use the shit out of that silver airbrushing tool on Photoshop. I know porns don't really have a budget, so how are they gonna make this work on screen without looking fake and clunky? 

ICEMAN: PLAYED BY MIKE DE MARCO

Quick! Catch that fairy before it flies away! Is this guy seriously supposed to be Iceman? Oh, and I should also mention that Iceman in the X-Men comics officially came out as gay, so anything that happens to him in this, will now be possible in the official canon! Yay! #lovewins! 

CYCLOPS: PLAYED BY BRENNER BOLTON

Of all the costumes I've seen, this is the second least worse. There's only one in here that I think is legit. But for now, let's take a look at the okay-ish Cyclops. One thing I notice a lot in porn is that in parodies, the lady characters are usually dressed like sluts, while the male characters are dressed like how they're supposed to look. They could've taken the liberty of addressing that by giving Cyclops booty shorts and leather boots. At least then he would've stood out. 

MAGNETO: PLAYED BY PADDY O' BRIAN

This is the least worse of the costumes I considered bad. There's only one good one, and I'm saving him for last. This costume is okay, I guess. 

WOLVERINE: PLAYED BY COLBY KELLER

Wow. Now that it some grade A effort. They really nailed the casting of Wolverine here. Again, Straight version, you have A LOT to compete with! I mean,look at this guy! This isn't an actor portraying Wolverine in a gay porn, this is FUCKING Wolverine starring in a gay porn. If Hugh Jackman gets hit by a bus, or if they decide to reboot the X-men, they should probably cast this guy.

Please let RINGS be good!

So, one of my most anticipated movies of 2016 is Rings, the third installment in The Ring franchise. I'm really excited, but I hope I don't get excited over nothing. I mean, it's RARE to have a horror movie in a franchise be as good or better than the original. The Ring Two had an  bigger budget than the first movie, but was really, really sucky, because it forgot the creepy atmosphere and mood of the original The Ring (That, and it also had really crappy special effects.) But for goodness sake, I hope Rings will be the rare exception where a horror installment doesn't suck.

There isn't a trailer from the movie yet, but it's slated to premiere in theaters during Halloween time. But even though I haven't seen a trailer for it yet, I'm already hearing a lot of info from the movie, both good AND bad, which really concerns me. The movie is being directed by F. Javier Guitirrez, a pretty unknown director. This can either be good, or bad, but only time can tell what happens. Another thing that worries me is the plot of the movie. 

Julia is a high school student whose college boyfriend, Holt, has grown distant. Fearing they’re drifting apart, she travels to see him and finds out that he’s part of a club of college students who pass Samara's tape between each other. Julia discovers Holt watched the cursed tape six and a half days ago, meaning that by the end of the day, he would die. The curse is what brought them back together, but it’s also what threatens to kill them

Wow. What a weak story. It's obvious they're aiming for that teenaged crap that horror movies went for with Ouija and The Gallows, so here's my advice. DON'T FOLLOW THOSE MOVIES! Both those movies SUCKED. Sure, they made lots of money, but wouldn't it be better for a movie to make money AND be good? I mean, don't get me wrong. Movies centering around young people aren't always bad. Just as long as they don't feel forced in. Unfriended, for example, is a horror movie starring teens, and it's really good. I thought it was gonna be as bad as Ouija, but took me by surprise. And let's not forget that classic horror franchises like Scream and Halloween all have teenaged main characters. 

The final demand I have for Rings is simply this. Be Scary. People go to horror movies to be scared, and if you don't scare the audience, then what does that make you? But most modern horror movies have the same problem. They're not really that scary. They're full of cheap jump scares and play the "false alarm" card A LOT. 

But while I had some problems with this, there's also a lot that intrigues me. the trailer for the movie premiered at Wondercon. I haven't seen it myself, but from the description of it, it sounds really creepy, and something very refreshing fro The Ring franchise. From the descriptions I've read, the trailer is about a guy in an airplane who is sitting next to a girl. He tells her the usual. He watched the curse video tape a week ago, and is scheduled to die, so he boarded an airplane in hopes of escaping his fate. Suddenly, he starts bleeding from his nose. The plane loses signal, dark water starts seeping through the doors and windows of the plane. Oxygen masks start dropping down on the panicking passengers. The boy tries to flee, but then the iconic video tape starts playing on all of the TV screens on the plane. Suddenly, the big screen where the airplane safety video usually plays starts playing a video of a desolate well in a forest. You know where this is leading too. Samara emerges out of the well, and comes out of the TV, then the teaser ends. That sounds AWESOME! from the sound of this, Samara will have greater power than she's had before, if she can take out an entire airplane full of people. Another thing that I liked is that if Rings is successful, it will become the next Halloween franchise movie, joining the likes of Saw, Insidious and Paranormal Activity. I just want this movie to be good SO bad! I frickin' love The Ring. It's not only one of my favorite horror movies, it's one of my favorite MOVIES period! I see it in the way most nerds see Back To The Future or Star Wars. So please, F. Javier Gutierrez, Don't fail me! I've been waiting for this movie for a long time, and I already know what it's like to be disappointed by a movie I've been waiting for years to see (Jurassic World) 

Cat fight from hell! The Ring Vs The Grudge!!

There are many reasons why I will never visit Japan. One, I find Anime really, really annoying. Two, I don't like crowded places. Three, Raw fish? no thank you. And four, their horror movies are scary as fuck! I remember being six years old and watching The Grudge for the very first time. I was too scared to do anything after seeing that movie. Then I saw Ringu, the Japanese version of that scary ass movie The Ring, and it really messed me up. Both those movies scared the shit out of me as a kid, and now Japan wants to bring those two worlds together? This is no joke, folks. The Ring and The Grudge will be duking it out in Sadako V. Kayako: Dawn Of Nightmares. A new generation of kids will soon have their sleep time robbed from them soon.

2016 is the year of fights. Superman allegedly fought Batman (I haven't seen the movie, and hopefully never will)  Captain America is scheduled to fight Iron Man, ushering in the thirty-millionth reboot of Spider Man. Hilary and Bernie are battling it out to be the next president (Let's face it, none of the republican candidates will be president) But the one fight no one ever thought would happen was the fight between the wet TV bitch from The Ring, and that cracky-neck bitch from The Grudge. But it's happening. And here's the first trailer.

FUUUUCK!!!!! So many childhood nightmares are suddenly coming back! But one question I have is how will these two fight? I mean to living people, these two are obviously dangerous, but since both or them are dead, hence the meaning Ghost, how will they fight each other. I mean technically, the Grudge lady is a crippled, as she needs to crawl down the stairs. SO does The Ring girl have an advantage? I don't know. Only time can tell.

I saw Batman V Superman and I loved it!

You guys we're right, Batman V Superman is pure genius. Never in my life have I ever seen something so, so brilliant. It's nothing short of perfect! The actors we're soo amazing. I think this might be my new favorite movie. Move over, Titanic and Dirty Dancing. This is the new gem in my life...

PSYCH! Just kidding! Hahahaha. April Fools Day! I will become a professional figure skater before I see that movie! Happy April Fools Day, everyone!

Another Batman V. Superman porn parody???

I was right! I was right all along! Batman V. Superman was going to suck! So far ALL the critics who saw it said it sucked, AND it had a 29% rating on Rotten Tomatoes! I still haven't seen it yet, but I wasn't planning on it. But now that this movie sucks and will most likely kill DC's Shared cinematic universe if Suicide Squad and Wonder Woman doesn't shape up, let's honor tradition once again by taking a look at the other versions of Batman V. Superman that were most likely better than the movie. It's porn parodies, of course!

Remember back in June, when I discussed Batman V. Superman: An XXX Parody? A Porn Parody that came out a good 10 months before the actual damn movie it's based on was supposed to be released. (I'm no porn expert, but when you make a porn parody, shouldn't you release it around the same time as when the movie you're parodying should be released?) Remember that "hot" mess? Well now there's another one floating around, this time ACTUALLY being released the same time as the Cinematic version. but before you straight bros get your hopes and boners up, you should probably know that this parody isn't for you, it's for your cousins, the Gays! That's right, Batman and Superman are goin' gay for Batman V Superman: A Gay xxx Parody!

Personally, I feel that this poster is better than the straight version. Very simple, very on-point, and no lady who looks like she could be in an episode of Botched. But one thing I noticed was that for a parody called Batman V. Superman, I don't see a lot of V. going on, especially if you look carefully at the bottom of the poster, where you can see that Batman and Superman are obviously groping each others' nuts. and the smirk on Batman's face shows that he doesn't want to fight the last son of Krypton, but intends on doing "other" things with the last son of Krypton. I can already here Batman saying "Tell me, do you cum?" Oh, my god, that needs to be in this. It's too funny not to be. 

Like last time, I want to do a costume review, but being a gay porn parody, it has less to work with, since there are no cool looking superheroines in this, because as we know, women in Gay porn are practically useless. but that doesn't mean they can't show up in non-sex roles. There can be a scene where Superman is giving Supergirl a fierce makeover, or Batman telling Wonder Woman what make-up best compliments her skin tone for the Fall season. Also, there are a lot of cool male DC Characters that would fit perfectly in a Gay porn parody, like Nightwing, Batman's former Robin who now parades around in a tight, skimpy costume that shows of his colossal twerk booty. Or how about Lobo, a giant muscly alien bounty hunter who wears skin tight leather and chains, or Darkseid, an alien overlord/Lady Gaga drag queen impersonator. Just take a look at this comic panel showing Superman and Darkseid fighting and tell me it won't translate into gay porn very well, because if you do, you're lying.



Anyways, onto the costume reviews, Now, the only two Comic book characters that's gonna be in this is Batman and Superman, which is a vast contrast to the straight version, which tried to shoehorn in as much Comic Book characters as they could. Now, I couldn't find a single image of the guys suited up, but what I did find were two very vulgar and very photoshopped comic strips featuring Superman sticking his "Kryptonite" inside a rescued pedestrian, and Batman getting his "Batcave" stuffed after fighting some criminals. Now, these comics were too hot to handle, so I had to modify them so that their naughty bits don't show.

Superman: Played by Topher DiMaggio

Oh, mama! Talk about a Man of Steel! to be honest, I think I like the straight porn version of Superman better than this. I mean, even though it was porn, that guy really looked like Superman. This guy looks like Superman too, in a weird, Lois and Clark type of way, but the guy in the straight version is definitely the superior one. Why didn't they just cast him? He's done gay porn before (I'll spare you the detail on how I found that out) But if I had to credit one thing, it's that the shield is actually an S this time, and not some confusing X. 

Batman: Played by Trenton Ducati

Oh. My. God. Wow, seeing Batman get Butt-fucked really brings me joy, with me being a die-hard Superman fan and all. Now, I personally think this costume is better than the straight version, and even though it's obviously a The Dark Knight Halloween costume bought from Ebay, it's still much nicer to look at, and not as crappy or chunky as the straight porn version's.

So what are my thought on this? Well, I wanted to criticize this as harshly as I did with the straight version, but if I did, I'd probably be labled as a Homophobe, so...It's good. Free love! Superhero gay pride! Whatever. But this doesn't change the way I feel about Batman V. Superman in general. I knew it was gonna suck from the very beginning, being a product of the rotting seeds known as Man of Steel, But even though I haven't seen it myself, the hate it's getting from so many fans are reassuring enough.