Character Fight 7: Indominus Rex vs. Spinosaurus

Well, seeing how Jurassic World disappointed me a lot, let's do a character fight of it! The more successful it is, the more okay it is for me to hate. Indominus Rex, or as I like to call it, CGI-o-saurus. The words to describe how lame this design is probably doesn't exist yet, but to give you a hint, Stegoceratops could've made a better dinosaur hybrid than a giant white raptor. It's a shame, really. A shame coming from a franchise that has given us so many cool dinosaurs, gives us this stupid dinosaur with an even stupider name. Who came up with this, the director's son? No, because kids have imagination, and this monster free from any of that. Fanboys designed this thing! The dumb name and boring design is obviously made by the dumbest type of people in the world. Anyways, Spinosaurus! Spinosaurus was the villain of Jurassic Park III and the design of this beast is beyond cool. Unlike I-Rex, which is literally just a Raptor Tyrannosaurus, Spinosaurus has it's own distinctive features. The long crocodile snout, that crazy sail. Anyways, Spinosaurus gets a lot of hate, which is disgustingly unfair. It killed a T-Rex, big deal. It's not like it killed "The" T-Rex (T-Rex from the original movie). I supposed T-Rex fanboys will rant about the comet that ended all dinosaurs. Oh, fanboys. But surprisingly, people like Indominus. Why? It's just a boring rehash of T-Rex and Velociraptors. Anyway, let's start the battle. And sidenote: In my T-Rex Vs. Spinosaurus Character fight, I used the real, scientific versions of the dinosaurs. But  seeing how I Rex isn't real, I'm basing the facts off the movies, that means I'll be using the JP3 Spinosaurus. So not this.

This!!

BEGIN!!!

In this corner...

NAME: Indominus Rex

HOME: Jurassic World, Isla Nublar                                      

LENGTH: 40 feet

HEIGHT: 18 feet

DIET: CARNIVORE

In the other corner...

NAME: Spinosaurus Eagypticus

HOME: Isla Sorna

HEIGHT: 18 feet

LENGTH: 50 feet

DIET: CARNIVORE

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

REALISM

If you've watched Nostalgia Critic's review of Jurassic World, that's exactly how I feel about Indominus Rex. I-Rex, and most of the dinosaurs in JW, is not convincing, and you can tell they're all CG. Spinosaurus, however, is very real. But while he doesn't compare to T-Rex, (T-REX attacking the kids in the car will always be the best dinosaur moment ever.) The scene where the Spinosaurus destroys the airplane and eats the black guy (of course) is a much better scene than the Indominus Rex attacking the kids in the hamster ball, and you know why? Because you know I-Rex isn't there, and therefore, you can't feel the suspense. Jurassic Park III, however, they had a real airplane set on a tree, a giant animatronic Spinosaurus, so when the Spinosaurus is sticking his mouth in the plane, you have that "Get out of there! Get out of there!!!" feeling. Even if you don't like JP3, you can't deny that the Spinosaurus airplane scene is better than any Indominus Rex scene. That Spino/T-Rex fight, though, is debatable umongst fans. Poitn goes to Eagypticus!!

SUPER DINO POWERS

There's not much to Spinosaurus. Aside from his heat absorbing sail, He's basically just a long snouted T-Rex with useful arms. Indominus Rex, while being a lame Dinosaur, is blessed with the coolest powers of any JP dinosaur. I-Rex can camouflage, change her body temperature, see body heat, use her Raptor-like intelligence to plan her kills. Point goes to I-Rex. 

BODY COUNT

In Jurassic Park III, Spinosaurus kills only but three souls. A nameless guy, a black guy and an unfortunate T-Rex. Indominus Rex kills dozens of hunters, a security guard, and some dinosaurs as well as her own sister. Point goes to I-Rex

DESIGN

Indominus Rex is just a big raptor with a bad skin condition. That's it. And also, it's a really boring design. It's just JP3 raptor+T-Rex=lame design. Spinosaurus, on the other hand, is friggin' cool. It's not just a rehash of a T-Rex or Raptor, Spino is his own thing, He has that long crocoduck snout, those empty green eyes, and of course, the sail. That sail is his Jaws mimic. Point goes to Spino

KILLER INSTINCT

In Jurassic World, I-Rex strategieses her kills much like a Velociraptor. But smarts can't always win the day. Even though I-Rex is super duper intelligent, The T-Rex still managed to kill her. Spinosaurus on the other hand, is not a thinking animal, and therefore relies on instincts. And how did those instincts best serve him? Ask the dead T-Rex. Point goes to  Spinosaurus

AND THE WINNER IS...

Fuck yeah, Spinosaurus! 

What Christmas characters do in the Summer.

I love the Holiday seasons. I love everything about it. I love the Christmas specials, I love Christmas music, I love it when the mall is super crowded because bargain hunters are buying last minute Christmas presents, I love the story of the first Christmas, But most importantly, I love being with my family during Christmas. As much as I love the Summer, and trust me, I L-O-V-E the Summer season, I can't help but miss Christmas. I miss the Christmas Specials. I love them so much, I forget how really bad they are. And the Christmas music. Mariah Carey is the queen of Christmas songs. But then I also had another thought. What do you think our favorite Christmas Characters do in the Summer? Since it's not Christmas, what are they doing? Well, let's find out, shall we?

SANTA CLAUS

Santa doesn't get Vacations. He works all year round. What a noble guy!

SNOOPY

While Snoopy might not be an actual Christmas Character, His Christmas specials are always a popular thing to watch during the holidays. You might say that Snoopy would just spend the Summer as Charlie Brown's lowly pet, but no. Snoopy is far too awesome for that. During the Summer, Snoopy goes to the Florida coast to join his human buds for a gnarly day of surfing. 

RUDOLPH AND HERMEY

Rudolph and Hermey, otherwise known as the Harold and Kumar of kid friendly Holiday specials.  These two went to Bora Bora and had a fun vacation, until Hermey was arrested for bringing alcohol to a kiddie pool and Animal Control took Rudolph away. 

JACK FROST

Jack Frost, also known as "The hot guy from Rise of the Guardians" likes to go to pool parties full of alcohol and women during the summer. Jack is known for being mischievous in the Winter, but in the Summer,  he's also mischievous. If Elsa found out about the beach babes he banged, She's gonna let something go. 

THE GRINCH

The Grinch was sentenced to life for sexually assaulting thirty Who-Women at a Summer country club. 

JURASSIC WORLD REVIEW: A BIG LETDOWN

22 years ago, Steven Spielberg released a movie called Jurassic Park. This movie changed and defined the way movies would be made. What really drew people in is the hyper realistic dinosaurs. Before this movie, Special effects were crap. No offense, Jaws fans, but that shark is not at all convincing. But the scene where the Tyrannosaurus Rex makes her debut had audience in awe. The Velociraptor kitchen scene in my opinion was way too real, and that's when my fear of Velociraptors first developed. (Personal sidenote: when I lived in Mindanao, my dad told me that there were Velociraptors outside during night time, and that's why I will never go back to Mindanao.)

Jurassic Park had sequels of course, but both of them were more like spin-offs than real sequels. The Lost World wasn't as pleasing to fans, and everyone hated Jurassic Park III, well, except for me. JP3 is what got me to like the JP franchise to begin with, so shut up! #SPINOSAURUSBITCHEZ! But now, we have Jurassic World, an official, really most sincerely sequel. When I first heard of JW, I nearly shit my pants, I was that excited. Now that I've watched it, what's my opinion? Well, if I had known it was gonna suck so hard, I probably would've hyped for something else. I don't know how to write a good review for this movie, so I'll just checklist my problems with it, starting with the most obvious.

REASON 1: MADE BY FANBOYS, MADE FOR FANBOYS, COMPLETE SHIT

There is little to no sense in this movie. It's obvious a raging fanboy I'm ashamed to call fellow JP fans wrote the screenplay. The ending fight scene with the T Rex and the Indominus is so fake, nonsensical, and has fanboy written all over it.  It starts off with Claire taking the CGI T Rex out of her cage while running in high heels, Yeah, right. The T Rex annihilates a Spinosaurus skeleton, and the reason behind it? (FANBOY: T Rex should always win! Fuck Spinosaurus! Ranting! Ranting! Ranting!) are fanboys really still sore about this? I know T Rex is a fan favorite, but it's a fucking T Rex, not the Terminator! Anyways, Then the T Rex and Indominus begin to fight. T Rex gets her ass kicked for a while, showing that not even Nature's fiercest champion can withstand a man made horror. But instead of gracefully sacrificing the T Rex for a stronger message, guess what happens? The last of the Velociraptor jumps at Indominus' face, T Rex gets up, she kicks the I Rex's ass for some reason, and then the Mosasaur jumps out of it's tank and Eats the I Rex. T Rex and Velociraptor are now friends, and they let the good humans live, and if your confused, no, this wasn't a fan fiction written by a four year old. I have always had a grudge against fanboys. But this Jurassic fan fiction sent my grudge to overdrive, and now I really, really, really hate fanboys. They bitch and moan about everything, and Hollywood always ends up feeding them. My main examples? The Transformers movies, The new TMNT and this movie. 

REASON 2: TRYING TO BE JURASSIC PARK...AND FAILING

This movie has many homages to Jurassic Park, and even the first two sequels, and that isn't a bad thing. But when you're movie is basically a shot for shot recreation of the original three movies, then you know you have a problem. Aside from that hologram room and the Mosasaur feeding show, there's nothing new about this movie. Let's pinpoint it's "homages", shall we?

1. Entering the park on a railed vehicle (JURASSIC PARK)

2. Using the same soundtrack over and over again (Every single JP movie)

3. main characters standing around a dying herbivore (Jurassic Park)

4. Main characters look for missing child/children (Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III)

5. Obvious evil guy wants to use Dinosaurs for his own nefarious purposes ( Jurassic Park, The Lost World)

6. Pteranodons attacking people (Jurassic Park III)

7. Velociraptors attacking humans (Every single JP movie)

8. Big dinosaur battle. (Jurassic Park 3)

9. T Rex ends the movie with a roar (Jurassic Park)

10. Big Dinosaur attacks helpless characters in some form of vehicle (Every single JP movie.)

And speaking of kids, don't get me started on the kids in JW. They're awful! The worse! Carbonated versions of the kids from the Jurassic Park movie. While in the original, Tim is a know it all, and Lex is a sassy teen, but there's still a charm to them that makes you like them. In this movie, the little boy is an annoying blabber mouth without an off button, and the teen is a douche bag and a skeeze. ( He has a girlfriend, yet he constantly makes a move on all the girls he sees on the island) How I wished the I Rex would end up eating them. Kelly from the Lost World and Eric from Jurassic Park III were better kid characters than these twerps. and if that wasn't bad enough, Those brats were the reason that British lady got eaten like a cheese ball. Hey, JW! Instead of trying to fix something that was never broken, how about giving us something new!

REASON 3: CGI, OH, MY!

Take a look back on the last Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic Park III. Love it or hate it, you've got to admit that the effects are amazing compared to Jurassic World's special effects. In Jurassic Park III, you have two giant dinosaur animatronics, and a set of Velociraptor puppets, as well as some pteranodons. But what does Jurassic World have? Horrible CGI that makes The Phantom Menace look like District 9. There is one practical effect that does look very impressive, but guess what? It's only a two minute scene of a dying brontosaurus. Even the T Rex doesn't seem like herself for some reason. In the original JP, I saw a T Rex. Here, I saw a cartoon of a T Rex. 

And there you go! The exact reasons why this prehistoric mess let me down hard. I haven't been this disappointed since Man of Steel. 

Top 10 Famous hair of all time!!! (MOVIES, TV, VIDEO GAMES, EVERYTHING!!!!)

Hair. Arguably the most beautiful body part of a human being. We cut it, we style it, we jel it, we mousse it, we do lots with our hair, and the thing we do most with hair is copy other people's hair, most particularly famous hair. And speaking of famous hair, here's my top 10 famous hair from movies, TV, video games, anime, everything!!!

10. KATNISS EVERDEEN 

FROM: THE HUNGER GAMES

STYLE: DUTCH BRAID

COLOR: CHOCOLATE BROWN

Katniss Everdeen's brunette braid hair has become somewhat of an iconic hairstyle. What's interesting about it is that it's a ditch braid that goes down sideways. Everytime she's in the arena, she's always rocking that braid!

9. BAYONETTA

FROM: BAYONETTA/BAYONETTA 2

STYLE: HIGH PONYTAIL BEEHIVE/PIXIE CUT

COLOR: BLACK/RAVEN

Bayonetta's hair is unique because it's the first time a video game character has ever used her hair as a weapon. In the first game, it was an unrealistically high ponytail. In the second game, Bayonetta cut her long locks to rock a pixie cut. When you're fighting the forces of heaven and hell, make sure your look good while doing it.

8. SON GOKU

FROM: DRAGON BALL Z

STYLE: SPIKED

COLOR: BLACK/BLONDE

As a kid, Dragon Ball Z was one of my favorite cartoons of all time. Goku is also one of my guy crushes. Let's just say, if he was real, I would get with that in a saiyan heartbeat. Anyways, Goku's hair changes alot throughought the series. In the beginning, it was black. then when he went super saiyan, he went blonde.

7.  LUCY RICARDO

FROM: I LOVE LUCY

STYLE: THE POODLE

COLOR: RED

When it came to sitcom hair, it went down to Lucy from I Love Lucy and Rachel from Friends, and Lucy strangled Rachel when it came to the best hair. 

6. LEIA

FROM: STAR WARS

STYLE: Double Cinnamon swirls

COLOR: BROWN

Leia has a lot of weird hairstyles throughout the original Star Wars trilogy, but the one that everyone remembers is the honey buns-like hair she wears in the first movie. Leia needs to fire her hairdresser. I'm just kidding! It's not her fault. It turns out, weird hair is something she inherited from her mother, Padme Amidala, who is the queen of both the planet Naboo and the planet of supercuts. 

5. RAPUNZEL

FROM: TANGLED

STYLE: UNSTYLED

COLOR: GOLDEN BLONDE

You can't have a list of famous hair without the queen of famous hair. Yes, at one point, every girl wanted to Rapunzel's beautiful golden hair as much as they wanted Cinderella's ball gown and glass slippers. But one difference about the Disney version is that Rapunzel's hair is more than for climbing. Rapunzel's hair is magic! It can heal, glow, grab and hold a lot of weight. 

4. CLARK KENT/SUPERMAN

FROM: SUPERMAN/SUPERMAN RETURNS/ ACTION COMICS

STYLE: SLICKED BACK WITH ONE KISS CURL

COLOR: BLACK

Whether either Superman or Batman is the best superhero is still up for debate (My opinion: SUPERMAN RULES, BATMAN DROOLS) But if there's one superhero with the most iconic hairstyle, that's Superman's suave classic look. You can't cosplay as superman without that kiss curl. 

3. ELVIS PRESLEY

STYLE: POMPADOUR

COLOR: BLACK

Elvis and Superman have very similar hairstyles, which is why I put them next to each other, but Elvis' hairstyle is a little more iconic than Superman's. And if you ask all the Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas, they'd agree with me. 

2. MARILYN MONROE

STYLE:  PAGEBOY

COLOR: PLATINUM

Marilyn Monroe is a Hollywood icon, and one of the first sex symbols ever. One thing that audiences were attracted to is her curled blonde hair. 

1. AUDREY HEPBURN/ HOLLY GOLIGHTLY

FROM: BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S

STYLE: BUN

COLOR: BROWN WITH BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

Way before I knew about Breakfast at Tiffany's and Audrey Hepburn, I always saw a picture of a woman sitting at a table wearing a black dress and a tiara. I saw that image everywhere! Then I was like "Where is this from?" then I did research, and found out about Hepburn and the movie. Audrey Hepburn is a true Hollywood gem. She's a classy kind of sexy. If Marilyn Monroe was the college girl guys hit on, Audrey Hepburn was the classy woman you'd meet at a first date. 

My big problems with Batman V. Superman

Here's why I don't like Batman V. Superman, because why not?

REASON 1: BATMAN IS A DOUCHE

While I'm not really a Batman fan, One problem I see in the trailer is that Batman seems to be messing with Superman for no reason= Batman is a bad guy (Or a douche) Which really pisses me off. Batman is a superhero. Kids look up to him (Search for Batkid) And to have him be the stuck up douche who hates on Superman for no reason, will probably please the dumb Batman fans (The ones who say "Batman could totally kick Superman's ass!") and really offend real Batman fans. 

REASON 2: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MAN OF STEEL 2!!!

Batman had his time in the sun (Batman Begins, The dark Knight, The dark Knight rises) Now it's Superman's turn! A Man of Steel Sequel can really make up for the horrible first movie, now that Superman is an established character. But no, DC had to Inject Batman into it, just like everything else they do. 

REASON 3: AVENGERS CASH GRAB

The only reason this new DC Cinematic U exists is to compete against Avengers, and that's a bad thing. The Marvel Cinematic U took years of careful planning and good directing. The DC U feels very forced and rushed. 

REASON 4:  MORE JESUS ALLEGORY

The first Man of Steel had a lot of Jesus Allegory.  Now this movie will have twice that. Talks of Superman being a "Messiah" or a "False God"  God, this is tiring! (No pun intended)

And those are my major problems with B v. S. I have a lot more, but I don't care enough to write about it. 

Mean Boys Movie fan casting

A while ago, I wrote about possible spin offs for Mean Girls, one of them coming true in the form of an upcoming Jennifer Aniston movie "Mean Moms". And just now, I found an article on Time Magazine called There should be a Mean Boys Movie and this is who should be in it.  The article basically says why Mean Boys should be a movie. After reading Rosalind Wiseman's book Masterminds and Wingmen, I learned alot about us boys. Boys commit Suicide more times than girls. boys are more likely to be bullied than girls, and Boys are more likely to fail school than girls. This new wave of Feminist friendly female centric stories are very important to society, It's also important to not lose focus on the boys too, because it turns out, guys are 100% more emotional than girls. So if there was a Mean Boys, who should star in it? Here's my casting choices.

Nick Robinson/ The new kid

Nick Robinson is a new young actor. His works include Frenemies, Kings of Summers, oh, and he's also starring in a small summer movie called Jurassic World! I think he'd be a great male alternative to Lindsay Lohan's Kady Heron. 

And Now for the popular kids. Now, Guy World Monarchy is way different than Girl World Dictatorship. 

Sterling Beaumon/The Mastermind

The Mastermind is the one who controls all the actions in his group. He doesn't have to be the most popular (in guy world, the popular one isn't always the leader), but he's the one who manipulates everyone. Sterling Beaumon would be a good runner up for this choice, Because he's already played a manipulative jerk twice in two different shows. He can replicate that, but add a very Regina-eque twist to the role. 

Jake T. Austin/ The associate 

The Associate is the one who holds all of his Clique Members' secrets, and finds more secrets outside of the group. So this one is the Gretchen of the group. I don't know why, but I always pictured Jake T.Austin in the role. I don't know why, but he's the only one who can pull it off in my book. 

Mason Dye/ The Bouncer

The Bouncer is the guy who takes the blame for the group when they get into trouble. He's also the most athletic, and Is also the dumbest of the group. Sound Familiar? Sounds like he has ESPN or something. The Perfect actor for this is Mason Dye. Mason is the bulkiest out of all the actors mentioned, so it's only fitting he played the Bouncer. I also chose him because I want as much similarity to Karen as possible. There can even be a scene where they go to a costume party, and he's wearing nothing but a head mirror and a Jock Strap, and they ask "What are you" and he goes "I'm a Doctor. Duh." While pointing at the head mirror. 

The rest of the Wingmen don't really have Plastics Counterparts, so just bear with me, okay? 

Jack Gleeson/ the Entertainer

Jack Gleeson's performance on Game of Thrones is very entertaining in a funny way, so Why not play the Joker of the group? 

Jaden Smith/ The Conscience

The Conscience is the nice guy of the group. He's the one always trying to talk the rest of the group out of doing something incredibly stupid. For this role, I chose Jaden Smith, mostly because the nice guy is all he plays in movies. 

Peyton Meyer/ The Fly

The Fly is the member of the group who goes to other Cliques to build false friendships, ensuring that their Clique will stay on top. For this role, I chose Peyton Meyer, because he just looks like a social Butterfly, doesn't he?! 

Cameron Boyce/ The Punching Bag

The Punching Bag is the kid who is the easy target of cruelty in the group. Cameron Boyce just looks like the type of guy who easily gets pushed around. 

And no teen movie is complete without a love interest.

Chloe Moretz/ The Love Interest

Chloe Moretz could totally be the female Aaron Samuels. She's too perfect not to. 

Pretty Little Liars Recap: Sara Harvey lives!

Oh, my god. That was the most stressful hour of my life...and it was worth it! Season six, Episode one of Pretty Little Liars si just a glimpse of what to expect from this season. and there is amout to anticipate.

So this episode begins where the last Episode left off, The Liars (plus Mona) escape A's killer Dollhouse, only to find out that they're fenced in by an Electric wall. But this time,we saw something we didn't in the last episode. There's a girl inside an empty room drawing pictures on the wall. She's wearing Ali's iconic yellow blouse, but it's all dirty. At first, I thought it was Bethany Young, but I remembered Bethany was dead, so I Exed her off my list.

A locks the girls outside, where they spend a few days to "think about what they did" The girls are so desperate for water, that they begin to joke about drinking pee. Eventually, their punishment ends, and A lets them back in, only to gas them all (Except Mona. A put that Gas mask on her.) When they wake up, they're all covered in White sheets on what looks like a Morgue. Luckily, no one was missing a Kidney. Spencer speculates that A made them look dead so that people would stop looking for them. But then, Mona walks into the room, back to her old Ali self. That act of course ends when A tells them all to go back to their rooms. But when the girls all walk into their rooms, screaming is heard, making us wonder what A did to the girls.

Three weeks later, back in the outside world, Alison's murder case was overturned (Mona being alive and all.) She comes home to her dad and brother. She speaks in a press conference about how her friends are very much in danger. She ends the conference and goes back inside her house. But it turns out that Ali is working with the police to try to find Andrew, the newest A suspect. 

Meanwhile, back in Chez A, the girls have endured a month of torture, and sidenote, Aria's pink hair is back. Maybe this is A's punishment. Making Aria dress like a goth again, but Hanna still manages to be sassy as ever. Good for you, Hanna! That dirty looking girl from the beginning of the episode is back, and she delivers food trays to the girls. The girls all think she's Mona, and when they start yelling, the girl covers her ears and walks out. Later in the episode, A sends the girls to "Alison's" room to unpack boxes of things that actually belong to Alison, as well as their own. (Aria and Pigtunia are finally reunited!!!) Mona is nowhere to be seen, but after Aria finds an encrypting message in the back of her closet, it's clear what A has planned for her. After a whole lot of tears, Spencer finally tells the girls that Charles is a Dilaurentis Via Etch a Sketch.
So some things happen in between. Ali works with Caleb and Ezra to find the girls, evidence proves that Andrew is actually two faced douche, The girls find A's vault and burn it down. they find Mona and get out, all while meeting their significant others. Just when they thought there were no more surprises, A surprise pops out. The police find that girl from earlier before and she turns out to be non other than Sara Harvey...Wait, who? Oh, right! That one character that was only mentioned in season 4 and only PLL super fans would know about. So all in all, this episode is a good way of keeping our PLL appetite roaring. Hopefully they can clear up in a later episode on how a really nice guy like Andrew would suddenly turn dark overnight. 

Mean Moms! Who knew!

I knew it! They were making a Mean Girls Spin off! 2 days after I posted about possible Mean Girls Spin offs, I hear news of Mean Moms. Just like Mean Girls, this movie is based on a Rosalind Wiseman self help book. But where Mean Girls centers on Girl World drama, this flick centers on the sport of competitive parenting. Bit it will still have the Spirit of Mean Girls. Jennifer Aniston is said to star, and the director will be the guy who did Horrible Bosses 2.

The story will be about a happily married Mother(Jennifer Aniston) of two moving from a small town to a wealthy suburbs. There, she is faced with neighbors who are competitive parents. I supposed the mom character will be the Cady of the movie, so I just hope that they have a Regina type mom who's the meanest mom in the neighborhood, and all the other moms are afraid of her. Other actors who would be good for this would be Will Arnett as the loyal husand. Kate Upton as the whiny teenaged Daughter. Leslie Mann as the nice but dumb mom, Lucy Liu as the mom  who knows everything about everyone, and Julia Roberts as the evil queen bee mom. You can also have cameo appearances by Tina Fey as Mrs. Norbury and Amy Poehler as Regina's mom.

Batman V Superman....Porn Parody?

So I already talked about how I'm Not looking forward to this Batman V. Superman movie, and how I feel that this New DC Cinematic Universe is not good. Now let's talk about the Batman V. Superman Porn Parody. That's right! A movie that hasn't even come out yet already has a Porn Parody. I feel dirty just for knowing that, and Imagine how bad I felt when I actually did research.

God, that poster is a mess. I mean, I appreciate that they made XXX Superman look cooler than XXX Batman (Seriously, Look at him. I've seen better costumes from a High School play.)  And side note, Superman is being played by a former Gay porn star. So if Superman ends up fucking Batman in this, I wouldn't be surprised. And why does he have an X shield? He's Superman, not Xuperman. Now let's talk about the leading ladies, because you can't have porn without Trampy looking girls. 

If I'm being honest, They actually don't look that bad. Okay, they're not good, but they're passable. I'm gonna talk about them individually, because if I've learned anything from Easy A, it's that Slut Shaming is a fun game. Alison Tyler as Wonder Woman. My, oh my, where do I begin with this. I know Wonder Woman is pretty busty in the comics, but that is just gross. As a guy, I do like girls with big juds, but when they get too big, they go from sexy to grossly unappealing. Aside from that, the costume seems well made. The skirt area looks very nice. Britney Amber as Poison Ivy. Wait, is Poison Ivy even in Batman V. Superman? Anyways, let's talk about this. I hate it. I really do. Aside from the red hair and the green clothes, nothing about this screams Poison Ivy. No flower pieces on her hair. No leafy Bra. She looks more like an Egyptian than Poison Ivy. Kleio Valentien as Harley Quinn. They didn't even try. They just bought a Harley Quinn Arkham City costume from Ebay and slapped it on a tramp. I might not be a fan of Margot Robbie's suber duper white Harley Quinn (She looks like she found Lindsay Lohan's cocaine supply and took a bath in it) But at least they made her look cool and hip. Aiden Ashley as Catwoman. This one is the best out of all of them. She does look like Catwoman. That cat suit looks very nice on her, and she's the only one on this list that looks like a classy kind of sexy as opposed to the other ladies who just look like sluts. If she played Catwoman in a future DC movie, I would have no problem believing it. And Finally, I saved the best(Worst) for last. Carter Cruise as Supergirl.

Girlfriend has alot going on. I don't know where to look. At the S symbol? At those hooker boots? at those man nipples? Let's just evaluate the whole thing. First of all, those sleeves are not working. Blue, Red and Gold? No! Then those hooker boots make her look less of a superhero, and more of a 4th of July dominatrix. And those nipples. To be fair, No offense to Carter Cruise. She's very beautiful, but are they supposed to be that small? Anyways, this outfit could've been made better, and I know what you're thinking. Doesn't this picture look familiar? Like you've seen this before. Particularly a preview picture for an upcoming CBS show? That's right! This is a parody of the new Supergirl show coming to CBS. And if that wasn't enough, look what the director of this porn parody posted on twitter. 

"As a hardcore (no pun intended) comic book fan, nothing upsets me more than when a mainstream adaptation totally fucks up a superhero costume (David E. Kelley’s Wonder Woman, anyone?).
Sadly, it just happened again with Supergirl’s tragically uninspired, pantyhose-happy, impossibly lame outfit from the new CBS TV series. Saying that I am flabbergasted by how terrifyingly bad it is would be a gross understatement. Never in a million years should a porn parody have better superhero costumes than its mainstream counterpart. And yet…

Here’s the first official image of Carter Cruise as Supergirl, from my upcoming “Batman v Superman XXX: An Axel Braun Parody”. You’re welcome" 

Okay, Axel, first of all, you make porn. And second, CBS Supergirl's costume is 100 times better than than that bodysuit mess. It's classic, it's clean cut, and Simple isn't always a bad thing, especially if it's for a character like Supergirl. And by the way, Taking away Supergirl's red skirt is just as awful as taking Superman's red underwear away. It's just a really bad costume. Sorry porn fans (I can't believe I just said that.) So, am I Gonna see Batman v. Superman xxx parody? Well, I only have one thing to say. This and the real Batman V. Superman movie can both burn in hell for all I care!